Live In The NOW
"If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.- Jim Carrey
Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.
- John Lennon
- John Lennon
Our entire lives are based on the future. Think about it. Ironic
isn’t it? We live now, to live later. We go to school to graduate, we
get a job to have money later, we meet people to get married and build a
family. We set up our lives for the prospect of being happy later.
My question to you is: what about the now?
It seems like we get so into looking forward to the future we forget
to stop and look around. Have you walked the same path every day of the
year, and only after 6 months or so you finally noticed something
interesting that’s been there all along? Where were you looking? Or were
you looking at all? Life nowadays is so stressful and busy, it seems
like we have retreated to living in our heads. And our bodies simply
serve the purpose of transporting our head.
Have we forgotten how to live in the moment? Why do I say “forgotten”? Because we had that gift. When we were children.
I love watching children. It’s a type of therapy for me. Not playing
with them, simply watching is enough. It seems to me that children are
the embodiment of everything that we adults have lost: innocence, sense
of adventure, unstoppable curiosity and thirst for discovering new
things, the lack of fear of failure, the confidence in their safety and
happiness. Children do not need two weeks to plan something fun. They
know that every moment is an opportunity. They believe in the
opportunity. If you think about it, its almost like… magic.
“Everyday, God gives us the sun- and also one moment in which we
have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Everyday,
we try to pretend that we haven’t perceived that moment, that it doesn’t
exist- that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as
tomorrow. But if people really pay attention to their everyday lives,
they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant that
we are doing something mundane, like putting the front door key in the
lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour, or in
the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. But that
moment exists- a moment all the power of the stars becomes a part of us
to perform miracles.”- Osho
Now, I want you to go outside and take a full minute to just look at the sky. One minute. Look up, breathe. Feel alive.
''Relationship Prep'' or ''Being Complete and Staying that Way''
“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
- Tom Robbins
I've been thinking, and a have a theory I want to share. On why relationships don't work out. And why it is actually sometimes our fault.
Going through our everyday routines, we end up feeling an emptiness spreading from the bottom of our stomach to our hearts. An emptiness that pushes us to search for meaning, for something special, something that would make us feel complete.
And we've been taught that relationships can do that. Having someone special around gives our lives meaning, makes us feel special. Puts us in a process, life is going somewhere. It gives us someone to care for, someone who is not obligated so stick around like family is. But we get into these relationships with the wrong reasons, wrong expectations and wrong agendas.
We expect the person to fulfill us, fill in the blanks in our lives. Give it meaning.
But its just not possible.
No I'm not being cynical. Just realistic. Another human
being can not make us complete. And when we go into a relationship
expecting that, it ruins any chance that relationship can work long
term.
We have to make ourselves as complete as possible, before getting into a serious relationship. Our lives have to be full. Not so full that we don't have room for more, of course, but they have to be complete. Work, family, friends, money, social activities. And we have to deal with our emotional baggage. We all have experiences that have traumatized us, changed our way of thinking, influenced who we are. We have to deal with that, not bring all that into a new relationship. very rarely can the only way of dealing with something being having another person help you to heal. First we have to get ourselves in working condition.
Only then should we try to connect our lives with another person. That way you are simply adding to your life, not trying to fill your life with your new bf/gf. And the person that you do bring into your life should be relatively complete too. So then it's a cooperation, not parasitism.
If you get into a relationship expecting completion, what you're really starting to do is your starting to feed off your partner's energy. Trying to cover up your emptiness with their care and attention. But it doesn't last, sort of like drugs. The emptiness comes back and you need more and more. Or another possibility is that you're getting into the relationship to "spice up your life". Get some excitement in your boring life, feel like your moving somewhere. That's doomed too: after a while the 'new relationship excitement' wears off and when it becomes 'comfortable', it gets boring, routine; you start searching for drama, or you start doubting your partners and yours compatibility.Doomed.
I'm into metaphors nowadays, so let me explain using visuals:
Healthy relationship: Both people are complete, so they can share their lives and work together.
Unhealthy relationship: parasitism; One person trying to make themselves feel complete. Ultimately leads to exhaustion of the partner that is complete, frustration on the part of the other.
Unhealthy relationship: Confusion; Partners not sure who they are or what they want, simply entering into a relationship with different emotional baggage, expectations, fears. Ultimately get tired of trying to make their lives 'fit' together.
Another point, when we do get into a relationship, we should understand what we're getting into, what we're investing, what we should expect, from both sides. Like a contract. Seriously, would save us so much trouble, misunderstandings, pain. Just say it! Why is talking so difficult? Why waste time second guessing and wondering? Just talk things out before you commit, so you both know what to expect. So simple.
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Some girls, who do wait for a good relationship opportunity, when they find it, they explode all the built up caring energy. Explode to such an extent that they freak out their boyfriend, become over bearing, over caring, and ultimately suffocate all the energy out of the relationship. Which relates to what I started with: being complete. And staying that way. Don't give up your life for your partner. Time spent apart or alone is okay. Actually, its very healthy. It gives you time to refuel, so you come back to the relationship with new energy.
And one more thing. No matter how many failed relationships you go through, never loose hope. Because hope is everything. Don't let the past damage your future. Look at everything as an experience, and move on to bigger and better things.
''That secret little box in the attic''
"Maybe pessimism is something we have to start applying daily, like moisturizer, otherwise, how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all? Is hope a drug we need to go off of, or is it keeping us alive?" -Sex and the City
So it has been my personal theory that a heart can only take so much heartbreak and pain, and after a certain time it just seems like there is no point in trying anymore. And then you turn to other things: your friends, hobbies, career, alcohol, crazy parties, randomly hooking up, whatever rocks your boat.
When this happened to me for the first time I was pretty young and naive i guess. I fell pretty hard, and when everything crashed and burned I locked my heart and lost the key somewhere in a dark corner of my soul. And I forgot all about it. My heart was still beating, but it wasn't alive anymore. And for the longest time I was okay with that.
And then something magical happened. I met someone. I realized that I still had a heart. And that I was still able to feel. This shocked me more than you can imagine. And for some time I resided on cloud nine, bought lingerie, daydreamed through classes, etc etc..
I wish I could now say it all ended all pink and fuzzy and sweet, but it didn't. It ended very badly. Like, hysterically crying, 'i don't want to eat anymore' kind of badly.
And I tried to go back, but this time it wasn't as easy. It took time. Months. Until finally I felt like I could breathe again. But what I didn't know at the time is that I couldn't close my heart all the way again. The pain caused little tears in my heart, tiny little openings. They made me vulnerable. Fragile. "Handle with care" and all that.
And the worst thing is that I didn't mind it I think. Subconsciously maybe. I think no matter how depressed you get, how sick and tired of everything, somewhere in the attic of your mind there is a little black box that contains a tiny little spec of hope. A hope that since you felt, you will feel again. And it will be perfect. But I think after each disaster that spec gets a tiny little bit smaller.
How much wear-and-tear can a heart really handle?
Logically it is much more beneficial for us not to give in. At least not at first. Not to let every little opportunity get us excited enough to go up into the attic and open that secret box. Maybe a certain amount of pessimism is vital at the beginning, in case everything suddenly flushes down the toilet. In case it turns out not to be worth it after all.
But how can you tell the difference? How do you really know? Or do you ever really ''know'' at all? Everybody lies. Everybody acts. Everybody wants to get what they want. And its not always what you want also, either.
But since one of the themes of this blog is there is no right moments, then the logical question then, wtf do you do, right? There's not going to be a flashing neon light that says "this is RIGHT, Go for it". So, what do we do?
The only thing we can:
We trust our hearts.
And sometimes we risk their safety. And then accept whatever consequences follow.
Sucks I know, but what is life without a little risk, right?
Yes, sometimes it hurts so much that it feels like someone reached through your throat to your heart, ripped it out, then chewed it and spit it back out while you were watching. ((sorry for the very violent metaphor)).
But think about it, if it worked out right at the beginning, life would be incredibly boring, So maybe the whole search, pain, disappointment thing actually has a point? Without suffering we wouldn't know happiness, just like they cannot be light without shadows. And maybe the whole search makes us actually more ready and willing to appreciate it when it does work out. We humans have the strangest tendency of thought: we seem suspicious of things that are too good, too easy, free, etc.
Maybe we're just use to the fact that to get something good you have to work for it, aka suffer for it. Deserve it.
Which kind of makes sense. What would be the whole point of living your life if everything came easy? No rules, no limitations, no pain. We would come to earth just to drink and party. No development or thought. No point.
So I do hate to admit it, but I suppose pain is a necessary part of life.
But also just as necessary is its counterpart, that secret little box in the attic, that actually is the thing that keeps us going. That little spec of hope, that flame that fiercely fights to keeps burning no matter how many times we shower it with tears.
The hope that someday we will find someone to complete us in ways we never knew possible. Someone to come home to after a hard day, who can just envelop you in a warm, loving embrace and tell you:
You are perfect,
Just because you are here,
Because you exist.
And
You are safe
Just because I am here,
Because I exist.
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