Image Copyright: Elena Vizerskaya, aka Kassandra Amazing Ukrainian artist, view her port  at http://www.photodom.com/member/kassandra

 “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” -Maria Robinson

“The key to change... is to let go of fear.” -Rosanne Cash

 “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” -Reinhold Niebuhr

((Note from yours truly: Before starting I want to apologize for letting the blog sit and gather dust for almost a month. I've been preoccupied with traveling, dealing with emotional dramas, and pretty much trying to figure out what I want out of life. So do excuse me, it required a lot of my attention. But I'm back now... Also would like to take this opportunity to mention that I'm planning a fabulous addition to the blog: a video blog on youtube, in which I will discuss each article, along with personal comments of mine. It seems to me that people (me included) do not have much time to read nowadays, so I must keep up with the pace of the world. Stay tuned....))

What I want to discuss with you today is the idea of change.
It's a concept that is at the base of everyone's life, but our attitudes and reactions to it differ. Let us discuss..

As much as a contradiction as it is, but change is the only constant thing in the world.  There are two kinds of change: one we control (or at least think we have some control over) and the one we don't. Also we can categorize differently: voluntary and non voluntary change. (A bit different, I'll elaborate in a minute...) 
 The fear that comes along with change is quite natural. The first type inspires fear of the new and different, the second - fear of the unknown and fear of the loss of control.

Change has always been a big thing in my life. Mostly involuntary. I was a very passive child. I have almost no memory of my life until I was around 7 years old. No secret drama or anything, I just remember living life like it was a movie: I was always sitting back and watching. So, no memories. Because I didn't create memories, I didn't store them in my brain. I observed, afraid to mess with the characters or the plot. And, boy, did my childhood have a plot! With the constant moving, new continents, religions, languages. Change was constant, and I accepted it.  Like most children, I suppose, but I feel like I took this to an extreme.

But once we start growing up, our attitudes starts to change, as mine did. I wanted control. But during the fragile teenage years, what can we possibly control? Little things: our clothes, hair, food, friends, music. And that's why teenagers go crazy. Not necessarily because they don't like the way things are, but because they want everything to be their choice. And what's the point of being in control if everything stays the same? That's why they protest.

That's when we first feel the rush of power that comes with being in control, the power to change things in your life. And as you get older, you get more opportunity to realize that power. And more freedom.

And then you can go two ways: you can either start liking the power, or it can paralyze you with fear. Desafortunadamente (unfortunately), I was the latter. I did everything I could possibly do to avoid change, creating walls of stable things around me. And I hid there, until recently.
And if any of you have the same problem, I now address you. Don't.

First of all, it's silly to think that you can avoid change. So you might as well embrace it. Second of all, once you embrace it, you can start to work through your fear and learn to control it, as much as you can. And if you're anything like me, you will start to like it. Maybe even a little too much. ;)

Fear and Change go hand in hand, as I mentioned before. You cannot embrace one without embracing the other. I know. Facing your fears is not an easy task, but it is necessary on the journey of self-improvement. 
You mustn't let fear hold you back. (In reasonable situations, of course.)

If you really want to do something. Do it. Take the risk. Be smart of course, but if fear is the only thing holding you back, then you must force yourself. Challenge yourself. Really, what is the worst that can happen? And is it really that bad?

For example, I'm socially phobic. I have problems when talking to strangers and making eye contact. Until I was seventeen I could not ask for directions on the street, or have a conversation with the cashier when buying things. But I tortured myself out of it. How? I would do the exact opposite of what I wanted to. If I wanted to ask something in a store, my first instinct would be to forget about it, and go hide somewhere. But I would force myself to go up and ask. Even if it was something completely unnecessary and stupid. I had to do it. It may seem like a type of psychological masochism, but it does work. Face your fear. It's the first, best and probably only way to let go of it. I truly recommend it.

I realize that ''change'' is a bit of a broad term, so I would like to specify that I am mostly talking about personal change. Self-improvement, if you will. It's the best way to control change ever, in my opinion. Because what else can you control in life, if not yourself? I'm a very firm believer in the constant self-improvement way of life. Not perfectionalistm. But self-improvement. Catch the difference?

A person must always be evolving. That's my idea of the purpose of life. We were given conciousness, and the opportunity to evolve, and we must use it to the fullest. 


Now, there are two different aspects to this topic I'd like to mention: inner change and outer.
This is the part when I should say that it's the inner change that is more important. But I hold you, my readers, in enough esteem to assume that you know this, so I will elaborate only briefly...
When you want to evolve, you have to start with your inner world, and the rest will follow. You cannot expect your world to change if you do not make the effort to change something within yourself first.

But inner change is the most difficult one of them all. I've heard it said countless times: ''people don't change'', ''it's impossible''. Well, those of you who read my blod reguarly must know how I feel about the word ''impossible''. It's not only total BS, but it's also like a challange for me.
Impossible? Let me prove you wrong. Anyway...

This is very often said in regard to men and relationships, which I must, actually, agree with. Men don't change. You know why? Because in this stereotypical stiuation when women say this, what they mean is that men don't change for them. Which is a completely natural reaction. Men, once they sense the pressure to change to fit the ''perfect boyfriend/husband/friend/etc'' standarts, automatically put up a fierce defence system. And they are very smart to do so. We should learn from them. Really.

Never. Ever. Change for someone else. Or to fit someones' standarts or expectations. I mean, you can, but ultimately, if done for the wrong reasons, whatever the change was, it will come crashing down and backfire against you. And what good will that do you?

Whatever self-improvement plan you have, you need to question it:

• Who am I doing this for?
• Was it my idea?
• Will it benefit me? 
• Will I stand by it if my family/friends don't support it?
• Will I be able to keep it up long-term?

Only if you are absoultely sure you gave the right answers to these questions can you go ahead with your change. If you are doing this to prove something to someone, to get an ex back, to attract someones attention, to protest against something, etc., then you're doing it for the wrong reasons. And it will not last.

It's hard to tell the difference sometimes, I know, and it is ok to keep some of these things in the back of your mind as a bonus, but your main reason should be yourself. Any change you impliment on yourself should be your decision. For you. Be selfish in a certain extent!

OK, and a final aspect:
Change can be a fabulous way to.. well... change. That was a badly constructed sentence, but I hope you can follow what I mean. Sometimes we get stuck in bad situations, whether its a relationship, an attitude, a social environment or a belief system. And sometimes we don't have the emotional strength or inspiration to make a big inner change. So we can help ourselves through outer change. Women do this often, and I am very guilty of it. Change your hair color, style of clothing, move to a different city. This new, exciting development can serve as a final push that you need to really change, inside.
Although I must warn you that this is much, much harder than it seems. As a person who's moved from country to country her entire life, I can tell you for sure: unless you make an effort, you will, ALWAYS, take your problems with you. You cannot escape the lessons that you must learn, the experiences that you must go through. A different city will not save you. Unless, you are willing to work at it.

For example, if you are shy, you may think that transfering to a different school will give you a chance to be different. So you do. And what usually happens? You settle into the same situation. You cannot run from yourself. So the most important part is working on your inner change. Use the outer change as a helping factor, not the basis.
Yes, at first it might seem fake. You might need to push yourself, write little post-it notes on your mirror, wear a special ring or bracelet that will remind you to be different. But after a while...you will get use to it. The people around you will get use to it. And once they accept it, they will expect it from you, so it will be easier.

Now, let me make something clear: I am a firm believer in being yourself. So do not think that this article is propaganda for you to go out and become a different person.

Self-improvement change should be about releasing your inner self, becoming a better person, a better YOU, becoming the kind of person that you want to be.

Good luck!





What do you think? Comments, constructive criticisms, anything. Drop me a comment below.
(Also I'd like feedback on the fact that I'm making the blog more personal, using examples from my own life, which I wasn't doing before. Good change, or should I stick to the theory?)

"To give and not expect anything in return, that is what lies at the heart of love."
~ Oscar Wilde

"Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance.."
~ Karen Casey

(image from http://www.magnusmagazine.co.uk)

There is a common understanding that true love, pure love is blind. Unconditional. It is love simply for the sake of love. And we are taught that this is a good thing, something to aspire to. 

But is it really?   

What we  are actually saying is that "I don't care what happens, I will love you anyway". Now, as much as I respect such bravery of putting your heart out there, what I want to ask is, is it always worth the risk?

"I felt like a fool. I had gone so far out on a limb with my feelings that I didn't realize I was standing out there alone."  -  Carrie (Sex&theCity)

  From my perspective as a woman, and obviously the only perspective I will have in this life, I would say that it's dangerous. Saying ''I will love you no matter what" not only shows your vulnerability, but also presents a temptation, a challenge almost, to test how far this statement can be pushed. Where is the limit? or is there one at all?
Of course, when we love someone we (women especially) will forgive faults, imperfections, small mistakes. Or at least I believe we should. If you love someone, those things don't, or shouldn't matter. You might not even notice them. Or if you do, in comparison to all the good things and positive aspects of your relationships, little set-backs loose their importance.
But where do we draw the line?


This coincides a bit with one of my previous articles on forgiveness. When is it okay for love to be ''blind'', and when are we just being stupid and allowing ourselves to be manipulated?


Maybe im a bit biased by being a woman, but I really think it's possible that men and women love differently.  I think maybe it's because women are much more afraid of being left alone than men are, or maybe, because men traditionally control relationships, they feel like they can get one anytime, because women are almost always willing. Yes, they might have to work on it a bit, but usually women are willing. And women, feeling helpless, and feel like they are unable to control their lives, tend to cling. Yes, its not the happily ever after we were taught to wait for. But its close enough. Or it's better than having nothing at all.  We will endure it.


But there has to be a line.
But how do we decide where to put it? When is it okay for love to be unconditional, and when isn't it?
Things change. It's scary as hell, but sometimes things change. We must not be blind to it. 
And also sometimes the bad things are there for a reason. Sometimes they are trying to show us something, either that something is wrong with us, with them, or with the situation. 
If we ignore the negatives, we can never work through them. If we ignore the negatives, we can never learn from them.  They will just be there, growing, nagging at our subconscious, until finally they explode and destroy everything.
There is always black and white in everything. If we try to paint over the black with white, it may give the illusion, but it will still be black underneath.  All we're doing is postponing.


My point is, yes, we must love for the sake of loving. But loving blindly harms the relationship.  Conflicts and problems are necessary! They're healthy. Perfect relationships are a) impossible b) dishonest c) boring. 
If everything is perfect then something is wrong, as much of a contradiction as that is.

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.” 

- Tom Robbins 

We should not go looking for love. We should live our lives to the fullest and not worry about it. It will happen, if its meant to be. I really believe that. Of course we shouldn't make ourselves so busy that we eliminate any opportunity for finding someone, but we shouldn't go out searching either. Because then, literally, we're looking for love. We over analyze things, we read into signals, we overreact, blow things out of proportion. And we end up getting hurt. Ex. A group of girls go out, bar or club, one of them meets a guy, who's sweet and respectful, buys drinks, offers a ride home, yada yada. Many things can go wrong in this scenario, but we'll stick to one: he doesn't try to sleep with her, takes her out a few more times, he pays for everything. Then, just as she gets her hopes up, he suggests they become sex buddies. Now if that's what the girl wants, then hey, go for it. But since we're talking about relationships now, I can tell you from personal experience that it hurts, a lot. Having gotten your hopes up, having talked yourself into liking the guy, having told all your friends that you 'met someone'.  First of all, bars or clubs are not the place to go to find guys who want relationships. Especially not in our generation. But my point is, when you're looking, you're trying to hard. And you read into things. Basically, if you're trying to find something, you see what you want to see, not necessarily what it is.

Another point, when we do get into a relationship, we should understand what we're getting into, what we're investing, what we should expect, from both sides. Like a contract. Seriously, would save us so much trouble, misunderstandings, pain. Just say it! Why is talking so difficult? Why waste time second guessing and wondering? Just talk things out before you commit, so you both know what to expect. So simple.
 
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Some girls, who do wait for a good relationship opportunity, when they find it, they explode all the built up caring energy. Explode to such an extent that they freak out their boyfriend, become over bearing, over caring, and ultimately suffocate all the energy out of the relationship. Which relates to what I started with: being complete. And staying that way. Don't give up your life for your partner. Time spent apart or alone is okay. Actually, its very healthy. It gives you time to refuel, so you come back to the relationship with new energy.

And one more thing. No matter how many failed relationships you go through, never loose hope. Because hope is everything. Don't let the past damage your future. Look at everything as an experience, and move on to bigger and better things.

"Sex relieves tension - love causes it."  ~Woody Allen

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."  ~Woody Allen

"Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics. " ~Author Unknown 

Statistically, women think about sex up to 34 times in an average day, that works out at the equivalent of once every 14 minutes. For men, the number is, on average, about every 6 seconds.

• Lower mortality rates.
• Reduced risk of prostate cancer.
• Improves posture.
• Boosts self esteem.
• Makes a person feel younger.
• Firms tummy and buttocks.
• Keeps spouses connected emotionally.
• Offers pain-relief.
• Gives people a positive attitude on life.
• Reduced risk of heart disease.
• Makes a person more calm.
• Improves fitness level.
• Makes a person less irritable.
• Reduced depression.
• Improved sense of smell.
• Has a therapeutic effect on immune system.
• Better bladder control.
• Relieves menstrual cramps.
• Helps people sleep better.
• Improves digestion.
• Healthier teeth.
• Helps improve memory.
• Produces chemicals in the brain to stimulate the growth of new dendrites.
• Lowers the level of cortisol, a hormone that can trigger fatigue and cravings.
• Lowers feelings of insecurity.
• Increases level of commitment.
• Less-frequent colds and flu.
• It can help people achieve weight loss since about 200 calories are burned during 30 minutes of active sex.
• Studies are also showing that it is a myth that abstinence can sharpen a person's competitive edge.

“Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top becuase they value quality.”

"I got to thinking about relationships. 

There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, 

those that are old and familiar, 

those that bring up lots of questions, 

those that bring you somewhere unexpected, 

those that bring you far from where you started, 

and those that bring you back. 

But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship 

of all is the one you have with yourself. 

And if you can find someone to love the you you love, 

*blows dust off*
Sorry everyone, I've been a bit preoccupied. But suddenly I remembered that I have a full, sophisticated life and I'm returning to it. So, let's ponder and ask rhetorical questions.


Why do you think that we strive to connect our selves intimately with another human being? Naturally it makes no sense, since its limiting reproduction. Spiritually and romantically we have the whole ''one soul fell from heaven and broke into two'' soul mate theory. Economically, yeah,it is cheaper to share resources, split rent and everything. Cynically and practically its just convenient to have someone around for mutual benefits. But really. When it get's down to it, what drives us to couple up?

Except for certain types of birds, I do believe that we are the only living things on Earth that strive to have monogamous relationships. [Sorry that I constantly compare people to animals, but we did evolve from nature so we have to have retained certain similarities, or instincts or something.]


There is a rather fabulous quote from the movie "Shall we dance?'' that proposes a pretty good theory on our subject: