''Relationship Prep'' or ''Being Complete and Staying that Way''
“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
- Tom Robbins
I've been thinking, and a have a theory I want to share. On why relationships don't work out. And why it is actually sometimes our fault.
Going through our everyday routines, we end up feeling an emptiness spreading from the bottom of our stomach to our hearts. An emptiness that pushes us to search for meaning, for something special, something that would make us feel complete.
And we've been taught that relationships can do that. Having someone special around gives our lives meaning, makes us feel special. Puts us in a process, life is going somewhere. It gives us someone to care for, someone who is not obligated so stick around like family is. But we get into these relationships with the wrong reasons, wrong expectations and wrong agendas.
We expect the person to fulfill us, fill in the blanks in our lives. Give it meaning.
But its just not possible.
No I'm not being cynical. Just realistic. Another human
being can not make us complete. And when we go into a relationship
expecting that, it ruins any chance that relationship can work long
term.
We have to make ourselves as complete as possible, before getting into a serious relationship. Our lives have to be full. Not so full that we don't have room for more, of course, but they have to be complete. Work, family, friends, money, social activities. And we have to deal with our emotional baggage. We all have experiences that have traumatized us, changed our way of thinking, influenced who we are. We have to deal with that, not bring all that into a new relationship. very rarely can the only way of dealing with something being having another person help you to heal. First we have to get ourselves in working condition.
Only then should we try to connect our lives with another person. That way you are simply adding to your life, not trying to fill your life with your new bf/gf. And the person that you do bring into your life should be relatively complete too. So then it's a cooperation, not parasitism.
If you get into a relationship expecting completion, what you're really starting to do is your starting to feed off your partner's energy. Trying to cover up your emptiness with their care and attention. But it doesn't last, sort of like drugs. The emptiness comes back and you need more and more. Or another possibility is that you're getting into the relationship to "spice up your life". Get some excitement in your boring life, feel like your moving somewhere. That's doomed too: after a while the 'new relationship excitement' wears off and when it becomes 'comfortable', it gets boring, routine; you start searching for drama, or you start doubting your partners and yours compatibility.Doomed.
I'm into metaphors nowadays, so let me explain using visuals:
Healthy relationship: Both people are complete, so they can share their lives and work together.
Unhealthy relationship: parasitism; One person trying to make themselves feel complete. Ultimately leads to exhaustion of the partner that is complete, frustration on the part of the other.
Unhealthy relationship: Confusion; Partners not sure who they are or what they want, simply entering into a relationship with different emotional baggage, expectations, fears. Ultimately get tired of trying to make their lives 'fit' together.
Another point, when we do get into a relationship, we should understand what we're getting into, what we're investing, what we should expect, from both sides. Like a contract. Seriously, would save us so much trouble, misunderstandings, pain. Just say it! Why is talking so difficult? Why waste time second guessing and wondering? Just talk things out before you commit, so you both know what to expect. So simple.
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Some girls, who do wait for a good relationship opportunity, when they find it, they explode all the built up caring energy. Explode to such an extent that they freak out their boyfriend, become over bearing, over caring, and ultimately suffocate all the energy out of the relationship. Which relates to what I started with: being complete. And staying that way. Don't give up your life for your partner. Time spent apart or alone is okay. Actually, its very healthy. It gives you time to refuel, so you come back to the relationship with new energy.
And one more thing. No matter how many failed relationships you go through, never loose hope. Because hope is everything. Don't let the past damage your future. Look at everything as an experience, and move on to bigger and better things.
Casualization of Intimacy, or, R.I.P. Love
"Sex relieves tension - love causes it." ~Woody Allen
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best." ~Woody Allen"Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics. " ~Author Unknown
Now, I expect this to stir up some controversy, because I am about to attack a subject that seems to be the most popular and best thing since, oh I don't know, since chocolate maybe. But seriously, I missed the memo. When did sex become a casual part of life? Free of emotions, attachment, or relationships? When did sex lower itself down to the level of routineness of brushing your teeth? Honestly...
Now, I am not a supporter of abstinence, God forbid. But what is going on in society nowadays is just disgusting. And I have to say it. Women have become sick of being treated as sex objects, so they have decided to let men treat them as sex objects, and they started to like it, so they turned the tables around: started acting like men, using them for sex. Surprised? Or did you think only men had needs?
Statistically, women think about sex up to 34 times in an average day, that works out at the equivalent of once every 14 minutes. For men, the number is, on average, about every 6 seconds.
OK. So for some reason people are naturally very horny all the time. But that doesn't mean that hooking up randomly is the only rational solution.
And I do not believe in all that bullshit people say to try to prove that its ok: that its just for fun, that its just 'fucking', that its an easy substitute for intimacy for people who don't have time to commit. Please.
Sex is the most intimate way for people to connect, the only way for them to experience something so deep and I won't even be afraid to use the word spiritual, for them to actually, physically, be one. And what people do with it, they lower it down to such a low level of just rubbing body parts together and exchanging fluid. Its sad. Its like taking yoga poses and performing them in a strip club with people masturbating.
Some things should be kept sacred. I don't think its necessary to cover the normal reasons, aka STDs and pregrancy, or emotional trauma. It's more than that. I just can't understand how people can detach like that. How can you allow a stranger, sometimes a complete stranger, be so close and intimate, know your body, be with you in moments when you are completely beyond rational control of thought. It seems that its unnatural for women, being that are naturally prone to being loving and nurturing, to be so detached. It's like we shot anesthetic into our hearts. If we can't find love, this is the next best thing, eh?
But why, why should we sell ourselves so cheaply? We do we not hope, expect for something special? Why are we not prepared to wait for it?
Now I am not against sex. It's actually a very healthy activity. Even scientifically:
More and more studies are showing increased
emotional and physical benefits from frequent safe sex.
- Lower mortality rates.
- Reduced risk of prostate cancer.
- Improves posture.
- Boosts self esteem.
- Makes a person feel younger.
- Firms tummy and buttocks.
- Keeps spouses connected emotionally.
- Offers pain-relief.
- Gives people a positive attitude on life.
- Reduced risk of heart disease.
- Makes a person more calm.
- Improves fitness level.
- Makes a person less irritable.
- Reduced depression.
- Improved sense of smell.
- Has a therapeutic effect on immune system.
- Better bladder control.
- Relieves menstrual cramps.
- Helps people sleep better.
- Improves digestion.
- Healthier teeth.
- Helps improve memory.
- Produces chemicals in the brain to stimulate the growth of new dendrites.
- Lowers the level of cortisol, a hormone that can trigger fatigue and cravings.
- Lowers feelings of insecurity.
- Increases level of commitment.
- Less-frequent colds and flu.
- It can help people achieve weight loss since about 200 calories are burned during 30 minutes of active sex.
- Studies are also showing that it is a myth that abstinence can sharpen a person's competitive edge.
I will say again, I am no way against sex. I actually think I have a much higher sex drive then I should, but I, not because of religion, or what my family says, or whatever. I, just for me, am prepared to only engage in it with someone who I care about. Someone who will not disappear the next morning. But instead might bring me breakfast. And you know for sure he will be rewarded double. Some things have to be worth the effort. More effort = more reward.
“Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top becuase they value quality.”
Why have we lost faith in love? Why do we go searching for the lower, easier ways to achieve pleasure? Is love not worth the effort anymore? I didn't get the memo, really. Must have gotten lost. Everybody else seems to have got it. Men aren't even shy about asking for sex anymore. Damn, in Ukraine, you're likely to be asked for sex from complete strangers on the street from 1-10 times daily. Other cultures are a bit more discrete- they might buy you a drink first and tell you you're pretty. The worst kind are those who fake an effort, take you out, be nice to you, AND THEN drop the casual sex offer. When you say no, all of them disappear just the same, though. So it seems like its nearly impossible to tell the difference. Until you do. And when you do you'll know it. And you'll finally understand that it was worth it. And you may regret having given away so much of your love for free. So just think twice. And never loose hope. Love will find you, you just have to be ready to accept it into your life when it does.
Now, just for fun, here are some statistics:
Durex Survey (2003) Highlights:
Forgive me?
"Most of us can forgive and forget, we just don't want the other person to forget that we forgave." - Ivern Ball
"The weak can never forgive, forgiveness it the attribute of the strong." - Gandhi
The ability to forgive is one of those famously good attributes that all people believe they should have. It has been taught to us since we were children that it’s a good thing to do. But ultimately, why should we forgive? Or should we forgive at all? Are we ever obligated to forgive? What are the limits of forgiveness? Are some things simply unforgivable?
Let's
start simple: what is does it mean 'to forgive'?
· to
grant pardon for an offense
· to
cancel an indebtedness or liability
Ultimately,
forgiveness is simply letting go of the past and moving on. Whether it is a
selfish act (forgiving just to make yourself feel better), for the sake of the
relationship (out of love, or out of helplessness), or for the sake of the person,
forgiveness is absolute. Letting go of the past, with no strings attached.
In
the purest sense of the term, forgiveness is also an act of non-reciprocity.
That means you forgive people out of the kindness of your heart, not expecting
anything in return.
But
how realistic are those ideas nowadays?
In
the official system of laws there is no forgiveness: a person does something
wrong, they are punished. End of story. Anything different is an exception
to the rule. And usually, it is either illegal, or debatable.
But
what about in our everyday lives? In relationships? In the family? People make
mistakes all the time, and sometimes those mistakes are serious, but they are
forgiven. But the same rule works: forgiveness is an exception. Theoretically
offenses must be punished, always.
In
everyday lives there is the idea of "Forgive and Forget", and there
is an endless debate going on about whether it is right to do both, one, or
none. Men say that women forgive, but never forget. Which means they forgive
mistakes, but if the opportune moment arises, they bring it up and use it. And
men complain that that is not fair. But is it really?
We
are taught to learn from our mistakes, but if we forgive and forget, what will
stop the offenders from repeating the offense? What will protect us? Where is
the line between being generous and forgiving, to simply being easy to
manipulate and used? If we forgive too much, people stop being afraid to make
mistakes. If there is no punishment, then what makes a something bad different
from something good? Unless we count moral values, then practically nothing.
Punishment is vital. It makes the system work.
If
we forgive too much, we have the risk of making people too tempted to do whatever
they want, without any fear. So is forgiveness worth the risk? What makes it
worth it, love? Fear?
Women
seem more prone to forgiveness. For the same offense, women will forgive much
easier than men. Mostly I think they will do this for the sake of the
relationship. It seems like women are much more afraid to mistakes and ruin the
relationship, maybe because they are afraid of being left alone. Not exactly
sure why, maybe they are subconsciously aware of the fact that there are less
men than women in the world? Or they are just so happy once they find a man
that is good enough, and just want to hang on to him, no matter what? But men
seem like they can let go easier, and not regret it in the long run. That's one
thing I envy them for.
But
in some cases I think people are too forgiving. I think, because of fear or
helplessness, or because they want to do the 'right thing', people forgive
things they really shouldn't. For example, violence of any kind, cheating, or
similar domestic ''crimes'' should not be forgiven. Because they are not about
the situation in which they were committed, they are either relationship or
psychological issues, which cannot be resolved easily and will almost always be
repeated. Out of love, maybe, they may be forgiven once, but if any such
offense is repeated, then it is unforgivable. No exceptions. Follow the rule.
People,
of course, must strive to be kind and generous, but ultimately, we are not
angels, and we are not God.
Actually,
about God: the idea that can be seen in most religions is that God is all
merciful. He loves His children, and we must repent our sins, ask for forgiveness,
and our sins will be forgiven. In Christianity this is called absolution; and
traditionally it has even been practiced to give out “absolution certificates”,
which were supposed to guarantee forgiveness. I will refrain from commenting on
the oddness of this, but I will point out one thing: if God is all merciful,
then why is there the whole idea of heaven and hell? And the fear of committing
sins? If we can all be forgiven out of pure love, then what’s stopping us? Do
now, apologize later, no?
I
believe that people cannot, and should not be all-forgiving. We must protect
ourselves and get out of harmful situations while we can. We deserve happiness,
and we must not let the ideas of how we ‘should’ act to be considered ‘good’
people get in the way. After all, we are only human. We make mistakes. But we
should be smart enough to tell the difference between when it is the right
thing to do, and when it is not. And not be afraid to act on our decision.
“Frühjahrsmüdigkeit” (Or more commonly known as “Spring Fever”)
“In springtime, love is carried on the breeze. Watch out for flying passion or kisses whizzing by your head.” ~Terri Guillemets
What is going on?
Although
the official medical causes of spring fever have not yet been fully identified,
doctors and scientists agree that it has to do with hormones. According to this
theory, in the springtime, when the days become longer and warmer, you're being bombarded by pleasant, exciting, new
stimulants, such as sunlight, vibrant colors, warmth, smells, and the body
readjusts its hormone levels, and more endorphin- “the happiness hormone”,
testosterone and estrogen are released, which affect both your mood, your
libido, the way you feel, even the way you look. Testosterone has been accorded
vast powers by scientists, as the libido hormone, the aggression hormone and
the dominance hormone. But ladies, don’t think this does not affect you!
Testosterone levels affect both male and female libidos. (Thank God)
As soon as temperatures
start to climb, we start shedding clothing and showing skin. Yes, it’s
practical, because of the weather, but it's also display behavior, a sort of
subconscious sign that you’re trying to attract a “mate”, — like the peacock flaunting
its tail. The days are longer, and the weather is nice, so we spend more time
socializing, so there is ample opportunity for mate-hunting. So the
consequences are not surprising.
But spring is not
just about the weather getting warmer. It is a simple miracle, which we take
for granted: it is a full rebirth of nature. Spring is the time that everything
comes back to life. And what says “life”, more than love?
“To live fully is to let go and die with each passing moment, and to be reborn in each new one.” Jack Kornfield
So, take a chance, and enjoy the moments full of
joy and bliss that spring gives us! Go lie out on the grass, drink some
ice-coffee from your nearest Starbucks (nothing makes me happier than a
Frappuccino) And be sure to spread the love and happiness to your friends and
family. Just like “misery loves company”, the opposite is also true: smiling is
addictive, and also highly contagious. So go ahead… there is never enough
happiness in the world.
Posts
