From 'I' and 'Me', to 'Us' and 'We'
"I got to thinking about relationships.
There are those that open you up to something new and exotic,
those that are old and familiar,
those that bring up lots of questions,
those that bring you somewhere unexpected,
those that bring you far from where you started,
and those that bring you back.
But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship
of all is the one you have with yourself.
And if you can find someone to love the you you love,
well, that's just FABULOUS."
*blows dust off*
Sorry everyone, I've been a bit preoccupied. But suddenly I remembered that I have a full, sophisticated life and I'm returning to it. So, let's ponder and ask rhetorical questions.
R.E.L.A.T.I.O.N.S.H.I.P.S.
why?
Why do you think that we strive to connect our selves intimately with another human being? Naturally it makes no sense, since its limiting reproduction. Spiritually and romantically we have the whole ''one soul fell from heaven and broke into two'' soul mate theory. Economically, yeah,it is cheaper to share resources, split rent and everything. Cynically and practically its just convenient to have someone around for mutual benefits. But really. When it get's down to it, what drives us to couple up?Except for certain types of birds, I do believe that we are the only living things on Earth that strive to have monogamous relationships. [Sorry that I constantly compare people to animals, but we did evolve from nature so we have to have retained certain similarities, or instincts or something.]
There is a rather fabulous quote from the movie "Shall we dance?'' that proposes a pretty good theory on our subject:
Beverly Clark: [when asked about why people marry] We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the
planet... I mean, what does any one life really matter? But in a
marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things,
the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it,
all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go
unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed
because I will be your witness'."
It's a bit romanticized for my cynical and sarcastic nature, but why not. Family doesn't work for that since by the time you mature you know them too well to like them all the time. Friends are usually unreliable. They come and go. With exceptions, of course. But most people come into your lives temporarily. It's sad, but true.
But relationships are different. When you decide to be in a relationship with someone you sort of sign a contract that obligated both of you to certain things, and entitles you to certain perks. But since this contract is never written down, I just wonder, how do you know if you both signed the same one? And what do you do with the fine print?
First of all I want to say that I believe that men and women really are from completely different planets. We work differently, think differently, have different wants, needs, desires. So, how can it ever work out?
Women need to feel safe and protected. I think that's the basic reason we find boyfriends. It's partially subconscious, partially instinct. And its just nice. We search for an alpha male, the one who is the strongest, bravest, most loyal. So he can wrap you up in his strong arms and you just know that nothing will happen to you while he's here. That if worst comes to worst, he will protect you, take care of you.
And Men? Well for a long time I had a theory that the only reason men settle down into relationships is because they get tired for searching for new sexual partners all the time. But I have seen many things happen since then. Guys getting married at 18 (and the girl isn't pregnant), driving for two hours everyday just to see their girl, walking over to the girls house in the middle of the night just to give her a hug if she feels shitty, taking boat trips and watching the sunset, making a gigantic heart shape from hundreds of candles on the street outside her window, etc. I began to doubt my theory.
I mean, there really isn't anything wrong with guys having an overly active sex drive. If they didn't humanity would very quickly die out.
I talked to one of my close girlfriends about it and this is what she said:
"After a while, if women don't have sex, [most] of them sort of forget about it. Women are sort of like camels, they can go ages without it."
So anyway... What are guys really looking for? I asked around and mostly I got "sexy", which doesn't give much hope. But you know what I think?
I think guys are just afraid to admit that they really need women. They like feeling cared for. Underneath all that raw masculinity they're fragile little fuzzy creatures that need their ego stroked all the time. They want to know that they have someone to create a warm, comfy nest for them to return to after a hard day, someone to make them food and make them feel appreciated.
So, i think they only way it can work is to find the 'golden center', the little space in the middle between Mars and Venus and settle there. It has to be 50/50, not without compromises and a lot of effort. Both have to give and receive. There is no other way.
But then, after all that work, despite being from different worlds, it does somehow work out. We complete each other, fill in the blanks, support each other when things get tough. So somehow it turns out okay. And if you're lucky. [and a bit patient.] it might just turn out a.m.a.z.i.n.g.
But then, after all that work, despite being from different worlds, it does somehow work out. We complete each other, fill in the blanks, support each other when things get tough. So somehow it turns out okay. And if you're lucky. [and a bit patient.] it might just turn out a.m.a.z.i.n.g.
''That secret little box in the attic''
"Maybe pessimism is something we have to start applying daily, like moisturizer, otherwise, how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all? Is hope a drug we need to go off of, or is it keeping us alive?" -Sex and the City
So it has been my personal theory that a heart can only take so much heartbreak and pain, and after a certain time it just seems like there is no point in trying anymore. And then you turn to other things: your friends, hobbies, career, alcohol, crazy parties, randomly hooking up, whatever rocks your boat.
When this happened to me for the first time I was pretty young and naive i guess. I fell pretty hard, and when everything crashed and burned I locked my heart and lost the key somewhere in a dark corner of my soul. And I forgot all about it. My heart was still beating, but it wasn't alive anymore. And for the longest time I was okay with that.
And then something magical happened. I met someone. I realized that I still had a heart. And that I was still able to feel. This shocked me more than you can imagine. And for some time I resided on cloud nine, bought lingerie, daydreamed through classes, etc etc..
I wish I could now say it all ended all pink and fuzzy and sweet, but it didn't. It ended very badly. Like, hysterically crying, 'i don't want to eat anymore' kind of badly.
And I tried to go back, but this time it wasn't as easy. It took time. Months. Until finally I felt like I could breathe again. But what I didn't know at the time is that I couldn't close my heart all the way again. The pain caused little tears in my heart, tiny little openings. They made me vulnerable. Fragile. "Handle with care" and all that.
And the worst thing is that I didn't mind it I think. Subconsciously maybe. I think no matter how depressed you get, how sick and tired of everything, somewhere in the attic of your mind there is a little black box that contains a tiny little spec of hope. A hope that since you felt, you will feel again. And it will be perfect. But I think after each disaster that spec gets a tiny little bit smaller.
How much wear-and-tear can a heart really handle?
Logically it is much more beneficial for us not to give in. At least not at first. Not to let every little opportunity get us excited enough to go up into the attic and open that secret box. Maybe a certain amount of pessimism is vital at the beginning, in case everything suddenly flushes down the toilet. In case it turns out not to be worth it after all.
But how can you tell the difference? How do you really know? Or do you ever really ''know'' at all? Everybody lies. Everybody acts. Everybody wants to get what they want. And its not always what you want also, either.
But since one of the themes of this blog is there is no right moments, then the logical question then, wtf do you do, right? There's not going to be a flashing neon light that says "this is RIGHT, Go for it". So, what do we do?
The only thing we can:
We trust our hearts.
And sometimes we risk their safety. And then accept whatever consequences follow.
Sucks I know, but what is life without a little risk, right?
Yes, sometimes it hurts so much that it feels like someone reached through your throat to your heart, ripped it out, then chewed it and spit it back out while you were watching. ((sorry for the very violent metaphor)).
But think about it, if it worked out right at the beginning, life would be incredibly boring, So maybe the whole search, pain, disappointment thing actually has a point? Without suffering we wouldn't know happiness, just like they cannot be light without shadows. And maybe the whole search makes us actually more ready and willing to appreciate it when it does work out. We humans have the strangest tendency of thought: we seem suspicious of things that are too good, too easy, free, etc.
Maybe we're just use to the fact that to get something good you have to work for it, aka suffer for it. Deserve it.
Which kind of makes sense. What would be the whole point of living your life if everything came easy? No rules, no limitations, no pain. We would come to earth just to drink and party. No development or thought. No point.
So I do hate to admit it, but I suppose pain is a necessary part of life.
But also just as necessary is its counterpart, that secret little box in the attic, that actually is the thing that keeps us going. That little spec of hope, that flame that fiercely fights to keeps burning no matter how many times we shower it with tears.
The hope that someday we will find someone to complete us in ways we never knew possible. Someone to come home to after a hard day, who can just envelop you in a warm, loving embrace and tell you:
You are perfect,
Just because you are here,
Because you exist.
And
You are safe
Just because I am here,
Because I exist.
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