"Most of us can forgive and forget, we just don't want the other person to forget that we forgave." - Ivern Ball
"The weak can never forgive, forgiveness it the attribute of the strong." - Gandhi
The ability to forgive is one of those famously good attributes that all people believe they should have. It has been taught to us since we were children that it’s a good thing to do. But ultimately, why should we forgive? Or should we forgive at all? Are we ever obligated to forgive? What are the limits of forgiveness? Are some things simply unforgivable?
Let's
start simple: what is does it mean 'to forgive'?
· to
grant pardon for an offense
· to
cancel an indebtedness or liability
Ultimately,
forgiveness is simply letting go of the past and moving on. Whether it is a
selfish act (forgiving just to make yourself feel better), for the sake of the
relationship (out of love, or out of helplessness), or for the sake of the person,
forgiveness is absolute. Letting go of the past, with no strings attached.
In
the purest sense of the term, forgiveness is also an act of non-reciprocity.
That means you forgive people out of the kindness of your heart, not expecting
anything in return.
But
how realistic are those ideas nowadays?
In
the official system of laws there is no forgiveness: a person does something
wrong, they are punished. End of story. Anything different is an exception
to the rule. And usually, it is either illegal, or debatable.
But
what about in our everyday lives? In relationships? In the family? People make
mistakes all the time, and sometimes those mistakes are serious, but they are
forgiven. But the same rule works: forgiveness is an exception. Theoretically
offenses must be punished, always.
In
everyday lives there is the idea of "Forgive and Forget", and there
is an endless debate going on about whether it is right to do both, one, or
none. Men say that women forgive, but never forget. Which means they forgive
mistakes, but if the opportune moment arises, they bring it up and use it. And
men complain that that is not fair. But is it really?
We
are taught to learn from our mistakes, but if we forgive and forget, what will
stop the offenders from repeating the offense? What will protect us? Where is
the line between being generous and forgiving, to simply being easy to
manipulate and used? If we forgive too much, people stop being afraid to make
mistakes. If there is no punishment, then what makes a something bad different
from something good? Unless we count moral values, then practically nothing.
Punishment is vital. It makes the system work.
If
we forgive too much, we have the risk of making people too tempted to do whatever
they want, without any fear. So is forgiveness worth the risk? What makes it
worth it, love? Fear?
Women
seem more prone to forgiveness. For the same offense, women will forgive much
easier than men. Mostly I think they will do this for the sake of the
relationship. It seems like women are much more afraid to mistakes and ruin the
relationship, maybe because they are afraid of being left alone. Not exactly
sure why, maybe they are subconsciously aware of the fact that there are less
men than women in the world? Or they are just so happy once they find a man
that is good enough, and just want to hang on to him, no matter what? But men
seem like they can let go easier, and not regret it in the long run. That's one
thing I envy them for.
But
in some cases I think people are too forgiving. I think, because of fear or
helplessness, or because they want to do the 'right thing', people forgive
things they really shouldn't. For example, violence of any kind, cheating, or
similar domestic ''crimes'' should not be forgiven. Because they are not about
the situation in which they were committed, they are either relationship or
psychological issues, which cannot be resolved easily and will almost always be
repeated. Out of love, maybe, they may be forgiven once, but if any such
offense is repeated, then it is unforgivable. No exceptions. Follow the rule.
People,
of course, must strive to be kind and generous, but ultimately, we are not
angels, and we are not God.
Actually,
about God: the idea that can be seen in most religions is that God is all
merciful. He loves His children, and we must repent our sins, ask for forgiveness,
and our sins will be forgiven. In Christianity this is called absolution; and
traditionally it has even been practiced to give out “absolution certificates”,
which were supposed to guarantee forgiveness. I will refrain from commenting on
the oddness of this, but I will point out one thing: if God is all merciful,
then why is there the whole idea of heaven and hell? And the fear of committing
sins? If we can all be forgiven out of pure love, then what’s stopping us? Do
now, apologize later, no?
I
believe that people cannot, and should not be all-forgiving. We must protect
ourselves and get out of harmful situations while we can. We deserve happiness,
and we must not let the ideas of how we ‘should’ act to be considered ‘good’
people get in the way. After all, we are only human. We make mistakes. But we
should be smart enough to tell the difference between when it is the right
thing to do, and when it is not. And not be afraid to act on our decision.
Posts
October 20, 2010 at 6:19 AM
Agree. Forgiveness comes at a price.
October 22, 2010 at 1:32 AM
Agree! If there is something that you can't forgive...you just can't! It is like when you can't learn something...if you can't, there is a reason why you can't...
Sometimes we try hard and suffer because we think we are not good or 'strong' like in Gandhi's quote...but the truth is...when we can't, there is a reason behind: Harm was awful!PERIOD
October 22, 2010 at 11:11 AM
Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it!
I agree !! Some things should probably not be forgiven. And demanding it is unrealistic. It's just hard to judge sometimes.
October 28, 2010 at 5:15 AM
When it is about relationships, I have to disagree with Gandhi. Forgiveness might very well be the sign of weakness. You forgive, because you do not wanna lose him/her.
I think the word "forgive" shouldn't be used in active voice, such as "I forgave him/her". If such is the case, I am sorry to say this, but you are probably acting weak and stupid, and you will suffer more, because of him/her. The correct form should be "He/She got himself/herself forgiven by me". The sentence sounds weird I know, but just focus on the idea behind: "I was not planning to forgive him/her, but he/she struggled so hard to make me forgive him/her that finally he/she convinced me to forgive him/her." Then you might have a chance not to suffer because of that same mistake (e.g. cheating) again. Otherwise, if he/she gets it more like a free out-of-jail card, it is quite likely that he/she will not learn from that mistake, and repeat it.
I wouldn't say "Never forgive!", you may (if you can, you do not have to) forgive when the person convinces you that he/she is aware of what he/she has done is wrong, has hurt you badly, and if he/she doesn't wanna lose you, he/she shall never repeat it again. But even then, be aware that you are taking a risk, and it will not be only his/her but also your fault if he/she repeats that same mistake.
I liked your blog and article, and your way of thinking. Hope to read more from you soon.
October 28, 2010 at 9:00 AM
Thank you! I do like that idea of the rephrasing. And I do agree, it's a complicated concept. Not that you would think at first glace! But definitely worth the analysis.
October 28, 2010 at 7:14 PM
Wow I absolutely love your blog, and this is coming straight form the heart! The content is meaning full and for the layout to color combination everything is amazing! If only I can manage to find the follow button LOL I'm new to this, but girl, your blog is priceless <3
October 31, 2010 at 8:46 AM
Wow, thank you so much! I do what I can to make a difference in the world. I'm so glad you like it!
haha, follow button I believe is down below, where the ''followers'' are.
I believe there should be a toolbar at the top, and on the left side there should be a follow button also, though I just checked and it's not there :/ Ill go try to fix that..
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