“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”
- Tom Robbins
I've been thinking, and a have a theory I want to share. On why relationships don't work out. And why it is actually sometimes our fault.
Going through our everyday routines, we end up feeling an emptiness spreading from the bottom of our stomach to our hearts. An emptiness that pushes us to search for meaning, for something special, something that would make us feel complete.
And we've been taught that relationships can do that. Having someone special around gives our lives meaning, makes us feel special. Puts us in a process, life is going somewhere. It gives us someone to care for, someone who is not obligated so stick around like family is. But we get into these relationships with the wrong reasons, wrong expectations and wrong agendas.
We expect the person to fulfill us, fill in the blanks in our lives. Give it meaning.
But its just not possible.
No I'm not being cynical. Just realistic. Another human
being can not make us complete. And when we go into a relationship
expecting that, it ruins any chance that relationship can work long
term.
We have to make ourselves as complete as possible, before getting into a serious relationship. Our lives have to be full. Not so full that we don't have room for more, of course, but they have to be complete. Work, family, friends, money, social activities. And we have to deal with our emotional baggage. We all have experiences that have traumatized us, changed our way of thinking, influenced who we are. We have to deal with that, not bring all that into a new relationship. very rarely can the only way of dealing with something being having another person help you to heal. First we have to get ourselves in working condition.
Only then should we try to connect our lives with another person. That way you are simply adding to your life, not trying to fill your life with your new bf/gf. And the person that you do bring into your life should be relatively complete too. So then it's a cooperation, not parasitism.
If you get into a relationship expecting completion, what you're really starting to do is your starting to feed off your partner's energy. Trying to cover up your emptiness with their care and attention. But it doesn't last, sort of like drugs. The emptiness comes back and you need more and more. Or another possibility is that you're getting into the relationship to "spice up your life". Get some excitement in your boring life, feel like your moving somewhere. That's doomed too: after a while the 'new relationship excitement' wears off and when it becomes 'comfortable', it gets boring, routine; you start searching for drama, or you start doubting your partners and yours compatibility.Doomed.
I'm into metaphors nowadays, so let me explain using visuals:
Healthy relationship: Both people are complete, so they can share their lives and work together.
Unhealthy relationship: parasitism; One person trying to make themselves feel complete. Ultimately leads to exhaustion of the partner that is complete, frustration on the part of the other.
Unhealthy relationship: Confusion; Partners not sure who they are or what they want, simply entering into a relationship with different emotional baggage, expectations, fears. Ultimately get tired of trying to make their lives 'fit' together.
Another point, when we do get into a relationship, we should understand what we're getting into, what we're investing, what we should expect, from both sides. Like a contract. Seriously, would save us so much trouble, misunderstandings, pain. Just say it! Why is talking so difficult? Why waste time second guessing and wondering? Just talk things out before you commit, so you both know what to expect. So simple.
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Some girls, who do wait for a good relationship opportunity, when they find it, they explode all the built up caring energy. Explode to such an extent that they freak out their boyfriend, become over bearing, over caring, and ultimately suffocate all the energy out of the relationship. Which relates to what I started with: being complete. And staying that way. Don't give up your life for your partner. Time spent apart or alone is okay. Actually, its very healthy. It gives you time to refuel, so you come back to the relationship with new energy.
And one more thing. No matter how many failed relationships you go through, never loose hope. Because hope is everything. Don't let the past damage your future. Look at everything as an experience, and move on to bigger and better things.
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October 20, 2010 at 6:04 AM
lmao great idea to use apples :) cool article
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