"To give and not expect anything in return, that is what lies at the heart of love."
~ Oscar Wilde
"Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance.."
~ Karen Casey
(image from http://www.magnusmagazine.co.uk)
There is a common understanding that true love, pure love is blind. Unconditional. It is love simply for the sake of love. And we are taught that this is a good thing, something to aspire to.
But is it really?
What we are actually saying is that "I don't care what happens, I will love you anyway". Now, as much as I respect such bravery of putting your heart out there, what I want to ask is, is it always worth the risk?
"I felt like a fool. I had gone so far out on a limb with my feelings that I didn't realize I was standing out there alone." - Carrie (Sex&theCity)From my perspective as a woman, and obviously the only perspective I will have in this life, I would say that it's dangerous. Saying ''I will love you no matter what" not only shows your vulnerability, but also presents a temptation, a challenge almost, to test how far this statement can be pushed. Where is the limit? or is there one at all?
Of course, when we love someone we (women especially) will forgive faults, imperfections, small mistakes. Or at least I believe we should. If you love someone, those things don't, or shouldn't matter. You might not even notice them. Or if you do, in comparison to all the good things and positive aspects of your relationships, little set-backs loose their importance.
But where do we draw the line?
This coincides a bit with one of my previous articles on forgiveness. When is it okay for love to be ''blind'', and when are we just being stupid and allowing ourselves to be manipulated?
Maybe im a bit biased by being a woman, but I really think it's possible that men and women love differently. I think maybe it's because women are much more afraid of being left alone than men are, or maybe, because men traditionally control relationships, they feel like they can get one anytime, because women are almost always willing. Yes, they might have to work on it a bit, but usually women are willing. And women, feeling helpless, and feel like they are unable to control their lives, tend to cling. Yes, its not the happily ever after we were taught to wait for. But its close enough. Or it's better than having nothing at all. We will endure it.
But there has to be a line.
But how do we decide where to put it? When is it okay for love to be unconditional, and when isn't it?
Things change. It's scary as hell, but sometimes things change. We must not be blind to it.
And also sometimes the bad things are there for a reason. Sometimes they are trying to show us something, either that something is wrong with us, with them, or with the situation.
If we ignore the negatives, we can never work through them. If we ignore the negatives, we can never learn from them. They will just be there, growing, nagging at our subconscious, until finally they explode and destroy everything.
There is always black and white in everything. If we try to paint over the black with white, it may give the illusion, but it will still be black underneath. All we're doing is postponing.
My point is, yes, we must love for the sake of loving. But loving blindly harms the relationship. Conflicts and problems are necessary! They're healthy. Perfect relationships are a) impossible b) dishonest c) boring.
If everything is perfect then something is wrong, as much of a contradiction as that is.
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October 24, 2010 at 8:00 AM
Perfection is a relative term anyway:)
and i agree, every relationship should have its ups and downs, otherwise something is definitely wrong!
October 24, 2010 at 9:32 AM
Thank you for your feedback! Really appreciate it!
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