T.H.i.N.K.
LETS TRY TO REMEMBER HOW TO THINK FOR OURSELVES AGAIN

Behind those eyes you hide

"The eyes are the mirror of the soul" -Proverb





The quote above is well known and understood by nearly everybody, despite culture, age, gender, race or religion. From the beginning of time people, and animals also, were captivated by one particular feature of the body- the eyes.
This is not a shocking phenomenon, and in our daily lives we do not even pause to question it. But let's take an opportunity and ask ourselves 'why?'

Why the eyes?

"The eye is an organ of the body that detects light and allows the being to see."
Where, in that definition, do you see any reason to why looking into another persons' eyes is so captivating, and socially meaningful?
Logically thinking, when speaking to someone, there is no physical need to look into their eyes. It does not help hearing or anything of that sort. Yes, body language is important. When you are connecting with someone/something, you focus your body on them. But you will communicate just as effectively if you look at their throat, or their mouth, after all, that is where the sound is coming from. 
What is it about the eyes that captures us? If not something that can be scientifically explained, we must look further.
My 1st Theory: Remains of animalistic instincts

       According to Iridology,an alternative medicine technique, it is believed that patterns, colors, and other characteristics of the iris can be examined to determine information about a persons' health. Iridologists see the eyes as "windows" into the body's state of health.
Iridologists use iris charts to distinguish between healthy systems and organs in the body and those that are overactive, inflamed, or distressed. Iridologists believe this information demonstrates a patient's susceptibility towards certain illnesses, reflects past medical problems, or predicts later health problems.
Dr. Bernard Jensen, puts it this way: "Nerve fibers in the iris respond to changes in body tissues by manifesting a reflex physiology that corresponds to specific tissue changes and locations." 

Even the color is connected to your health:
A blue iris means that a person is subject to diseases connected to the rise of acidity, such as arthritis, rheumatism, asthma and gastric ulcer.
A brown iris is indicative that a person is subject to indigestion, for instance, gastroenteritis, constipation and diseases of the central nervous system. 
Bluish-brown (green) iris speaks of its owner’s increased acidity and toxicity, which is connected, with disturbed functions of the nervous and digestive systems.  Mixed tones of iris often have a blue basis that, consequently, points to an aptitude for illnesses typical for blue iris.

OK, so what does all of this have to do with my theory?
Instinctively, animals search for healthy mates/companions. In the animal world, being vulnerable for illnesses means being weaker and less chances of survival. Instinctively, animals are able to sense sickness in other animals. Perhaps, and only perhaps, they were able to do this by examining their eyes? Maybe not just for illnesses, but for compatibility also. 
So, as mammals, perhaps people were able to inherit this instinct and ability and continue to use it, though, of course, on a subconscious level.
From this we may conclude, that while communicating, we are not just pointlessly staring at our partner, but our brains are sort of analyzing their state of health, and calculating compatibility. And that can explain that feeling we get of whether we like  a person immediately when we've only just met them, or we feel repelled.
 
My 2nd Theory: social implications

Living in a society we cannot be free of its rules. 
Eye contact has always been a very strong form of nonverbal communication between people. But in different cultures, it implies completely different things. Let's take a look.
USA: Good eye contact signifies that you are interested, confident, and bold, if you neglect to make eye contact with a person, it signifies lack of interest, or self-confidence. 

Europe: It is considered proper and polite to maintain almost constant eye contact with another person during a business exchange or a conversation, yet eye contact also has more flirtatious aspects than it does in the U.S., so eye contact in public transportation may imply more that just a casual glance.


Middle Eastern cultures: Eye contact is much less common and considered less appropriate. While making eye contact with the opposite gender, returning eye contact will be considered the same as saying, “Yes, I’m interested!” Though intense eye contact between those of the same gender—especially between men— implies “I am telling you the truth!” 
Asian, African and Latin American cultures:  Extended eye contact can be taken as an affront, a challenge of authority or even as being rude. It is often considered more polite to have only sporadic or brief eye contact, especially between people of different social registers (like a student and a teacher, or a child and his elder relatives).

My 3rd Theory: Reading the Soul

People are very hard to read and to understand, so we search for ways of finding out what a person is all about early on, to determine our compatibility. And you cannot find these things out by asking, so we search for other ways. Can the eyes help us?

"The Japanese are considered tot he experts of reading people by the eyes. The size can say a great deal: small ones belong to unsociable, self-complacent and stubborn, dry eyes speak of vanity, wet ones – of circumspection and eloquence, runny ones - of guilt, deep-set eyes - of boldness, round eyes symbolize the ability of self-strengthening, bulging eyes - anxiety, unbalance and arrogance. Looking at the wideness of the pupils, it’s possible to define weather a person is interested in this or that problem; after all, even at the moment of small emotional excitement adrenaline is thrown into the blood and the expansion of pupils occurs. So, attentive salesmen can define the attitude of buyers and know when it’s good to bargain and when it is not. " (from www.womanknows.com/health-advice/news/451/)

Also, in the study of body language, people have determined that there is a connection between eye movement and lying. 
When asked a question, people may look up to the left, or up to the right. Simply, if a person looks up to the left, they are accessing their part of the brain that is responsible for constructed images, so they may be lying. If they look up to the right, they are accessing their memory, so they are telling the truth. (This is for right-handed people, and it is the opposite for left-handed people.)

So, the eyes hold many secrets, to our body, mind and soul.
No wonder they attract us so much!


References
http://www.womanknows.com/health-advice/news/451/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_color
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iridology
http://www.blifaloo.com/info/lies_eyes.php
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The Beauty and Horror of Feminism

“Nobody objects to a woman being a good writer or sculptor or geneticist if at the same time she manages to be a good wife, good mother, good looking, good tempered, well groomed and unaggressive”- Leslie McIntyre

"I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is:  I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute."  -Rebecca West

"I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want.  If that makes me a bitch, okay."  - Madonna Ciccone 

"You don't have to be anti-man to be pro-woman." - Jane Galvin Lewis 
I've been repeatedly accused of feminism. So for once, I'd like to approach the subject directly. I'm a what?

"Feminism refers to political, cultural, and economic movements seeking greater, equal, or, among a minority, superior rights and participation in society for women and girls. These rights and means of participation include legal protection and inclusion in politics, business, and scholarship, and recognition and building of women's cultures and power... Feminist activists have campaigned for women's rights—such as in contract, property, and voting—while also promoting women's rights to bodily integrity and autonomy and reproductive rights. They have opposed domestic violence, sexual harassment, and sexual assault. In economics, they have advocated for workplace rights, including equal pay and opportunities for careers and to start businesses." -Wikipedia Wisdom

Well that was shocking and horrible (not). I could never really understand why being called a feminist is a sort of insult. Yes, I believe that the absence of one or another reproductive organ does and should not handicap a person in any area of life. Why is that bad? Why does saying that imply that I should be stamped FEMINIST on the forehead, be expected to shave my head and run around the streets screaming?


We can't really talk about women, men, feminist, whatever the male equivalent of that is, and power without talking about sexuality. After all, that is the only thing that draws the line between us.
But missing a penis does not mean missing a brain. We're just built differently. Why discriminate against one of two puzzle pieces? Why must one always dominate the other? Who gave us the right to decide that anyway? 
Yes, in (most) religions women are the source of all sin. But in the same religions we are taught that God is love and that He loves all of his creations. And that we must love one another. 
Sorry, but obvious question... why are women an exception to this?
Yes, original sin, etc etc. The devil uses women to tempt and distract men. Whatever. If men are weak enough to take the bait, then who exactly is the stronger sex? If women are strong enough to completely confuse and devour the hearts and souls of men... then, just logically thinking here, shouldn't we be considered the higher power? 

Simply speaking, Adam ate the damn apple himself. Eve did not, as I recall in the story, shove it down his throat. Decisions, decisions. 


And actually, it wasn't always so. At about 30,000 B.C., people believed the female sexual organ to be the sole source of life. It was carved into stone, as a symbol of life, and the gateway to God. Now, there is food for thought.

Don't panic. Not calling for the establishment of a matriarchy or  anything. I'm a firm believer in peace and equality.
And more than anything, equal standards.

Why are women expected to be super beings? Combine housework, career success, mens' playboy fantasies, and womens' ideas of beauty and perfection? While it's perfectly accepted in society for a guy of 30 to be balding and have a beer belly.

The same goes for behavior. Accoring to AskMen.com: "Men interrogate, women are concerned, Men are whipped, women are clingy, Men are glorified, women are ostracized, Men are chivalrous, women are catty, Men are dysfunctional, women need better lovers." These are the top 5 double standards in dating. Agree? I think they have a point.

Some differences it seems have been and always be. But some, I do believe can be improved and compromised. If we stop being so afraid of the concept of equality and, oh my, feminism.
We're not wild animals, that, if you open the cage door, will jump out, bite you and pee on the carpet. We, too, are intelligent, sophisticated creatures, just trying to find a place in the world, sometimes more so than men. So let's give each other a bit of break. 
Peace?



References:
http://files.nireblog.com/blogs4/blog-barbiegirls/files/barbie-girl.jpg 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_human_sexuality
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminism
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/137792491.html 
 http://rfamilypuzzle.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/2008_1206Puzzle20078.354110355.JPG 
http://www.oceansbridge.com/paintings/collections/old-masters-collection/big/Jan_Gossaert_Called_MabusexxAdam_and_Eve.jpg

http://uk.askmen.com/top_10/dating_60/70b_dating_list.html
"Sexual intelligence", by Kim Cattrall.
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Your love is my drug











"There's a lot of research showing that laughter has an impact on illness. It releases endorphins and relieves pain." ~Janice Hein

"As to you, your scent – it's like a drug to me. You're like my own personal brand of heroin." ~Edward Cullen, Twilight
"Romantic love is an addiction," said Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist. "My guess is that our modern addictions -- nicotine, drugs, sex, gambling -- are simply hijacking this ancient brain pathway that evolved millions of years ago, that evolved for romantic love. ... The brain system evolved to focus your energy on an individual and start the mating process." 
What are endorphins and what do they do?  
They chemicals that are released in your brain under certain conditions. Endorphins are an opiate, and effect your brain in the same way that morphine does.  It is the chemical responsible for "natural high".
More commonly it is known as the ''feel-good'' chemical, the reason we feel happy. But there are many different ways of influencing the level of endorphins in our bodies, some healthy, and some not so much. You might be surprised... 
Healthy ones: Exercise, sex, playing with pets, favorite colors, activities, sunlight, spending time with friends and family, repetitive motions (such as knitting or sewing), singing, dancing, bath, eating spicy food, nature, laughing, crying, tickling, vibrations.

Unhealthy: Arguing, reliving confrontations over and over in your head, picking at hangnails, pimples, scabs, excessive exercise, repetitive obsessive compulsive behavior, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, causing yourself physical pain, being late, rushing to meet a deadline.

Sound familiar?  If you are engaging in any of these, it is because the endorphin chemicals in your brain are low, and you are subconsciously trying to increase it. Our bodies know what they need, but they do not always know the right way to get it.

The term endorphin rush has been adopted in popular speech to refer to feelings of exhilaration brought on by pain, danger, or stress. Immediately after injury, endorphins allow animals to feel a sense of power and control over themselves that allows them to persist with activity for an extended time.


Now that we got that part out of the way, let's think.
If endorphins are a natural drug in our bodies, why is the fact that we can get addicted to it so surprising? Almost any of the activities I mentioned above is open to addiction. Anything overdone, even the most healthiest thing ever, can become harmful. Love, sex, exercise, coffee to name a few obvious ones.

As for exercise, intense workouts cause an increase in endorphin levels. Our bodies make endorphins whenever we exert ourselves, and the higher levels probably help us better tolerate physical pain and discomfort, perhaps they help with emotional pain, too? 

What about love addictions?
From looking at the brain scans of the broken-hearted, researchers found that recovering from a break-up is like a kicking an addiction to a drug. 
"Nobody gets out of love alive," Fisher said. "You turn into a menace or a pest when you've been rejected. That's when people stalk or commit suicide. ... There's a very powerful brain system that has a dramatic effect on your entire life." 

It seems quite interesting that such opposite emotions such as love and anger, generate the same chemical response in our body? Curious. 
So which emotion do we seek? Love is complicated. It carries responsibilities, fears, expectations. But its opposite? Fast, easy. And has the same effect. Curious. It is always easier to go for the lower emotion. Always easier to kneel down than to reach up. 

Let's not confuse between what is right and what is easy. Let's not be lazy and always reach for the top. And learn how to find happiness in its most natural and pure ways.



http://www.recoverfromdepression.com/endorphins.htm
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/addicted-love-brain/story?id=11110866&page=2
http://www.sexual-addiction.net/what_is_sexual_addiction.php
http://www.womenfitness.net/exercise_addiction.htm
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/addicted-love-brain/story?id=11110866
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Truth and Lies, and something in between

   "Therefore I lie with her and she with me,
   And in our faults by lies we flatter'd be."
-W. Shakespeare, Sonnet 138

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." -Lenin 

“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.” -Richard Bach



 Out of all the 'sins' of today, the most common, the most feared, and the most underestimated, I believe, is lying. 
"To lie is to state something that one knows to be false or that one does not honestly believe to be true with the intention to deceive others, often with the further intention to maintain a secret or reputation, protect someone's feelings or to avoid a punishment or repercussion for one's actions." 

- from our beloved Wikipedia. 
(That is no longer a valid reference source for most academic papers. Sad, but true.)
So now that we got the definition out of the way....
We all do it. Most, if not all, of us feel guilty about it. But sadly there is nothing to be done. Sometimes lies help things go smoother, mostly white lies, the ones that don't really matter. They help things move along with minimum drama. You know the ones that I mean: "Nothing's wrong", "Yes, you look wonderful", "Yes, I'm almost finished with that assignment", "It wasn't me", "I don't know how that got there", "It's ok, it happens to everyone", and of course "Size doesn't matter."
These little lies usually don't hurt too much, but sometimes they do backfire unexpectedly, so limit their use.
But what hurts us and others more is the abnormal kind of lies.

The ones that imply betrayal, the ones that we build up on purpose and fight hard to keep. And the worst of all these are the lies we tell ourselves. 
What happens then when a person lies to themselves?
It seems physically impossible to believe a lie that is told to oneself. I mean, you know you're lying. So there is no doubt.So how can you believe it? Impossible.
But how to you explain the situations in which it works?
For example, ever tried faking happiness? When you feel absolutely terrible, you can physically force yourself to smile, even if its ironic. And it works! It seems like the physical movement creates the same chemical reaction as the real thing: endorphins are released, and you feel better. 
But its a lie... right?
Another common example for women are so called modern mantras. Once just a religious thing, they're now used in an effort to help women gain more self-confidence. Repeating certain motivational phrases daily helps women. Even if they're not really true, they help. And they actually help them change, to make the statement true.
But its a lie... right?
What about lies that you don't consciously understand? Anorexia for example. Anorexic women look at themselves in a mirror and see a distorted reality, they see a lie. But it's their brain lying to them, nobody else. They're lying to themselves, creating a different version of reality.
But its all a lie... right?  
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that this is not such a simple concept. Especially when we get psychological aspects involved in the discussion...
We, women especially, lie to keep ourselves happy. Often. Ironic, but true. And I can't figure out if it's a bad thing or not. 

What do you think? (New feedback page available, check at the top) 
Seems like any sort of happiness better than being miserable, even if it is based on lies?
We create our own reality. So if we lie ourselves into believing something, after some time it becomes the truth for us. Of course this is a very sensitive issue, and it doesn't work for all things. Most importantly, it shouldn't work for all things, it's dangerous and harmful. But for some, this is a means of survival. 
If you're trapped in a situation. You might as well enjoy it, or get something positive out of it, even if you have to lie or fake your way through it. And after a while you start to believe in your lies. At which point they actually stop being lies.
A bit of a controversial issue, and even I don't agree with it 100% I think, but I like pointing out these aspects. Think about it.
It's how arranged marriages work. It's how people can stand terrible job positions. It's how we deal with difficulties in relationships. It's how we make peace with our parents during conflicts. There are a lot of situations in life that you simply don't want to face in absolute truth. You look for ways to get yourself to be OK with it. And what is that if not a type of lying to yourself?


Another aspect I want to cover is how the belief in a lie can be have the same effect as the truth. 
I'm talking about the Placebo Effect. For those unfamiliar with the subject, a brief overview:
"The physician's belief in the treatment and the patient's faith in the physician exert a mutually reinforcing effect; the result is a powerful remedy that is almost guaranteed to produce an improvement and sometimes a cure." -- Petr Skrabanek and James McCormick, Follies and Fallacies in Medicine, p. 13.
"A placebo (Latin for "I shall please") is a pharmacologically inert substance that produces an effect similar to what would be expected of a pharmacologically active substance (such as an antibiotic).The placebo effect is the measurable, observable, or felt improvement in health or behavior not attributable to a medication or invasive treatment that has been administered."

In simple terms, if a person believes enough in the fact that he/she is given medicine that will help them, even if they are given fake medicine aka sugar pills, the effect will be similar, or even the same as if they had been given real medication.
It's a lie? But if you believe enough that it is the truth, your body doesn't know the difference. Scary, huh?

So what can we conclude?
That things are never as simple as they may seem. Yes, lying is bad. Mostly. But sometimes it is useful, and , yes, rarely, but still, sometimes it is necessary.

But use it sparingly and with caution. Because, once caught, there will be trouble.

(And what better way to end than with a little taste of Nietzsche?)
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you” -Friedrich Nietzsche
References:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie 
http://www.skepdic.com/placebo.html
http://uk.askmen.com/dating/heidi_200/211b_dating_girl.html
http://factoidz.com/wp-content/themes/gabtheme/images/how-can-we-tell-if-someone-is-lying-to-us.jpg (photo)
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Let what needs to happen, happen

"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."  ~Jean de La Fontaine


"Fate leads the willing, and drags along the reluctant." ~Seneca








 Intro
-----It has been lately pointed out to me that the tone of my writings is somewhat feministic. Not that I don't like that, but I do want to try to make my blog a bit less womanizing, broaden the target audience a bit. So let me just switch that around a bit to just being somewhat rebellious or radical. So hang in with me here.-----


There has long been controversy and discussion between whether a person controls his or her own life or whether it has already been predicted.
The latter bases itself mostly on religion: if our destiny is predetermined, then who determines it? Surely some higher power. And that's where God comes in.
Whereas the first bases itself on the modern notions of human superiority and domination. It's the belief that we are God(s). We are the prevalent race on Earth, everything else was made to serve us. We control our own destiny.

Right ?

It seems to me that the nature of truth is that it is always in the middle of two radical opposites. In the Ukrainian language referred to as the ''golden center''.  Nothing that is absolute is really true, there are always different aspects. And both must be taken into consideration.
So what if it's a bit of both?


 Honestly, to think that people are able to fully control their lives is silly. We know too little, we understand too little. We cannot know what will happen to us, or to the world, not the next day, not the next year, not even the next second. We have no control over certain things. And these things directly, or indirectly influence our little world. We cannot deny that.
So ultimately the notion that people control their own destiny is just something that we believe, because we refuse to give into the fear of the unknown factors that actually shape our destiny. We are afraid to let go and let things flow. What if they flow the ''wrong'' way? What if something was just not meant to be? How can we just give in to that? It's hard.

Now, of course this is not the absolute. I am not saying we should lay back and let life take us where we need to go. What's the point then? I believe that there are divine factors that influence our path, but we are still the ones that have to walk it. Now, maybe not EVERYTHING is predetermined. Little things are probably not. Unless they influence the big picture. Those decisions are probably monitored closely and influenced, if needed, by, let's say God, or maybe Angels. Spirits. Whatever label you prefer. Higher forces that we cannot explain or understand.

Seems like there are two aspects to this that always get me confused:
Testing and pushing away. Let me explain:
Sometimes it seems like if you really want something, you have to prove exactly how much you want it. You have to fight, through the pain, misery, maybe sacrifice, to prove that you ''deserve'' it. And there are success stories like that. Against all odds and boundaries, people do get what they want.
In other cases, it seems like the higher spirits are pushing you away from making a bad decision, from going in a direction that you shouldn't go.
My question is, how can you know the difference?

Maybe I'm taking this too far into religion and philosophy, but seriously, how can God expect us to understand His signs if He didn't send us a manual of how to interpret them?
If something goes wrong, is it a warning or is it a test?

I guess we can never really know for sure. Unless we can listen to our intuition and act on it. People have forgotten how to listen. And don't look at me like I'm crazy, it's been proven scientifically and mathematically. (read my article "Coincidence?" from 3/31/10 )
It does exist. And it could make our lives a lot easier if we knew how to listen. There are signs and answers everywhere. We just have either forgotten, or maybe we didn't really ever know how to interpret them.

Anyway, my point is, yes, we make decisions, but there is a part of our lives that we don't control. Some things have to happen, and we have to let them happen.

There was a story on the news a while back: A couple, man and woman, were late for their flight, that later crashed and everyone died. They got a car and rode to whatever place they needed to get to. And they got into a car accident. And both died. (A bit of a depressing example, but you get my point?)

I think its time that people stopped being so afraid to let go and tried to "relax into the unknown." Let go of all the fear that is holding us back.
It's okay to trust in fate, in the hope that everything will turn out perfectly. Really.



Credits: http://rebekahsimpson.wordpress.com/2009/05/05/trust-and-let-go/, http://www.sloclick.co.uk/images/20050921091213_footsteps_sm.jpg

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Love is Unconditional. But should it be?

"To give and not expect anything in return, that is what lies at the heart of love."
~ Oscar Wilde

"Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance.."
~ Karen Casey



(image from http://www.magnusmagazine.co.uk)

There is a common understanding that true love, pure love is blind. Unconditional. It is love simply for the sake of love. And we are taught that this is a good thing, something to aspire to. 

But is it really?   

What we  are actually saying is that "I don't care what happens, I will love you anyway". Now, as much as I respect such bravery of putting your heart out there, what I want to ask is, is it always worth the risk?

"I felt like a fool. I had gone so far out on a limb with my feelings that I didn't realize I was standing out there alone."  -  Carrie (Sex&theCity)
  From my perspective as a woman, and obviously the only perspective I will have in this life, I would say that it's dangerous. Saying ''I will love you no matter what" not only shows your vulnerability, but also presents a temptation, a challenge almost, to test how far this statement can be pushed. Where is the limit? or is there one at all?
Of course, when we love someone we (women especially) will forgive faults, imperfections, small mistakes. Or at least I believe we should. If you love someone, those things don't, or shouldn't matter. You might not even notice them. Or if you do, in comparison to all the good things and positive aspects of your relationships, little set-backs loose their importance.
But where do we draw the line?


This coincides a bit with one of my previous articles on forgiveness. When is it okay for love to be ''blind'', and when are we just being stupid and allowing ourselves to be manipulated?


Maybe im a bit biased by being a woman, but I really think it's possible that men and women love differently.  I think maybe it's because women are much more afraid of being left alone than men are, or maybe, because men traditionally control relationships, they feel like they can get one anytime, because women are almost always willing. Yes, they might have to work on it a bit, but usually women are willing. And women, feeling helpless, and feel like they are unable to control their lives, tend to cling. Yes, its not the happily ever after we were taught to wait for. But its close enough. Or it's better than having nothing at all.  We will endure it.


But there has to be a line.
But how do we decide where to put it? When is it okay for love to be unconditional, and when isn't it?
Things change. It's scary as hell, but sometimes things change. We must not be blind to it. 
And also sometimes the bad things are there for a reason. Sometimes they are trying to show us something, either that something is wrong with us, with them, or with the situation. 
If we ignore the negatives, we can never work through them. If we ignore the negatives, we can never learn from them.  They will just be there, growing, nagging at our subconscious, until finally they explode and destroy everything.
There is always black and white in everything. If we try to paint over the black with white, it may give the illusion, but it will still be black underneath.  All we're doing is postponing.


My point is, yes, we must love for the sake of loving. But loving blindly harms the relationship.  Conflicts and problems are necessary! They're healthy. Perfect relationships are a) impossible b) dishonest c) boring. 
If everything is perfect then something is wrong, as much of a contradiction as that is.

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''Relationship Prep'' or ''Being Complete and Staying that Way''

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.” 

- Tom Robbins 


I've been thinking, and a have a theory I want to share. On why relationships don't work out. And why it is actually sometimes our fault.

Going through our everyday routines, we end up feeling an emptiness spreading from the bottom of our stomach to our hearts. An emptiness that pushes us to search for meaning, for something special, something that would make us feel complete. 

And we've been taught that relationships can do that. Having someone special around gives our lives meaning, makes us feel special. Puts us in a process, life is going somewhere. It gives us someone to care for, someone who is not obligated so stick around like family is. But we get into these relationships with the wrong reasons, wrong expectations and wrong agendas. 
We expect the person to fulfill us, fill in the blanks in our lives. Give it meaning. 
But its just not possible.

No I'm not being cynical. Just realistic. Another human being can not make us complete. And when we go into a relationship expecting that, it ruins any chance that relationship can work long term. 

We have to make ourselves as complete as possible, before getting into a serious relationship. Our lives have to be full. Not so full that we don't have room for more, of course, but they have to be complete. Work, family, friends, money, social activities. And we have to deal with our emotional baggage. We all have experiences that have traumatized us, changed our way of thinking, influenced who we are. We have to deal with that, not bring all that into a new relationship. very rarely can the only way of dealing with something being having another person help you to heal. First we have to get ourselves in working condition.

Only then should we try to connect our lives with another person. That way you are simply adding to your life, not trying to fill your life with your new bf/gf.  And the person that you do bring into your life should be relatively complete too. So then it's a cooperation, not parasitism. 
If you get into a relationship expecting completion, what you're really starting to do is your starting to feed off your partner's energy. Trying to cover up your emptiness with their care and attention. But it doesn't last, sort of like drugs. The emptiness comes back and you need more and more. Or another possibility is that you're getting into the relationship to "spice up your life". Get some excitement in your boring life, feel like your moving somewhere. That's doomed too: after a while the 'new relationship excitement' wears off and when it becomes 'comfortable', it gets boring, routine; you start searching for drama, or you start doubting your partners and yours compatibility.Doomed.
 
I'm into metaphors nowadays, so let me explain using visuals: 

 Healthy relationship: Both people are complete, so they can share their lives and work together.



 Unhealthy relationship: parasitism; One person trying to make themselves feel complete. Ultimately leads to exhaustion of the partner that is complete, frustration on the part of the other. 

 Unhealthy relationship: Confusion; Partners not sure who they are or what they want, simply entering into a relationship with different emotional baggage, expectations, fears. Ultimately get tired of trying to make their lives 'fit' together.

We should not go looking for love. We should live our lives to the fullest and not worry about it. It will happen, if its meant to be. I really believe that. Of course we shouldn't make ourselves so busy that we eliminate any opportunity for finding someone, but we shouldn't go out searching either. Because then, literally, we're looking for love. We over analyze things, we read into signals, we overreact, blow things out of proportion. And we end up getting hurt. Ex. A group of girls go out, bar or club, one of them meets a guy, who's sweet and respectful, buys drinks, offers a ride home, yada yada. Many things can go wrong in this scenario, but we'll stick to one: he doesn't try to sleep with her, takes her out a few more times, he pays for everything. Then, just as she gets her hopes up, he suggests they become sex buddies. Now if that's what the girl wants, then hey, go for it. But since we're talking about relationships now, I can tell you from personal experience that it hurts, a lot. Having gotten your hopes up, having talked yourself into liking the guy, having told all your friends that you 'met someone'.  First of all, bars or clubs are not the place to go to find guys who want relationships. Especially not in our generation. But my point is, when you're looking, you're trying to hard. And you read into things. Basically, if you're trying to find something, you see what you want to see, not necessarily what it is.

Another point, when we do get into a relationship, we should understand what we're getting into, what we're investing, what we should expect, from both sides. Like a contract. Seriously, would save us so much trouble, misunderstandings, pain. Just say it! Why is talking so difficult? Why waste time second guessing and wondering? Just talk things out before you commit, so you both know what to expect. So simple.
 
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Some girls, who do wait for a good relationship opportunity, when they find it, they explode all the built up caring energy. Explode to such an extent that they freak out their boyfriend, become over bearing, over caring, and ultimately suffocate all the energy out of the relationship. Which relates to what I started with: being complete. And staying that way. Don't give up your life for your partner. Time spent apart or alone is okay. Actually, its very healthy. It gives you time to refuel, so you come back to the relationship with new energy.

And one more thing. No matter how many failed relationships you go through, never loose hope. Because hope is everything. Don't let the past damage your future. Look at everything as an experience, and move on to bigger and better things.
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Casualization of Intimacy, or, R.I.P. Love

"Sex relieves tension - love causes it."  ~Woody Allen




"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."  ~Woody Allen

"Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics. " ~Author Unknown 

Now, I expect this to stir up some controversy, because I am about to attack a subject that seems to be the most popular and best thing since, oh I don't know, since chocolate maybe. But seriously, I missed the memo. When did sex become a casual part of life? Free of emotions, attachment, or relationships? When did sex lower itself down to the level of routineness of brushing your teeth? Honestly...   

Now, I am not a supporter of abstinence, God forbid. But what is going on in society nowadays is just disgusting. And I have to say it. Women have become sick of being treated as sex objects, so they have decided to let men treat them as sex objects, and they started to like it, so they turned the tables around: started acting like men, using them for sex. Surprised? Or did you think only men had needs? 

Statistically, women think about sex up to 34 times in an average day, that works out at the equivalent of once every 14 minutes. For men, the number is, on average, about every 6 seconds.

OK. So for some reason people are naturally very horny all the time. But that doesn't mean that hooking up randomly is the only rational solution.

And I do not believe in all that bullshit people say to try to prove that its ok: that its just for fun, that its just 'fucking', that its an easy substitute for intimacy for people who don't have time to commit. Please.
Sex is the most intimate way for people to connect, the only way for them to experience something so deep and I won't even be afraid to use the word spiritual, for them to actually, physically, be one.  And what people do with it, they lower it down to such a low level of just rubbing body parts together and exchanging fluid. Its sad. Its like taking yoga poses and performing them in a strip club with people masturbating.

Some things should be kept sacred. I don't think its necessary to cover the normal reasons, aka STDs and pregrancy, or emotional trauma. It's more than that. I just can't understand how people can detach like that. How can you allow a stranger, sometimes a complete stranger, be so close and intimate, know your body, be with you in moments when you are completely beyond rational control of thought.  It seems that its unnatural for women, being that are naturally prone to being loving and nurturing, to be so detached. It's like we shot anesthetic into our hearts. If we can't find love, this is the next best thing, eh?

But why, why should we sell ourselves so cheaply? We do we not hope, expect for something special? Why are we not prepared to wait for it?

Now I am not against sex. It's actually a very healthy activity. Even scientifically:
More and more studies are showing increased emotional and physical benefits from frequent safe sex.
  • Lower mortality rates.
  • Reduced risk of prostate cancer.
  • Improves posture.
  • Boosts self esteem.
  • Makes a person feel younger.
  • Firms tummy and buttocks.
  • Keeps spouses connected emotionally.
  • Offers pain-relief.
  • Gives people a positive attitude on life.
  • Reduced risk of heart disease.
  • Makes a person more calm.
  • Improves fitness level.
  • Makes a person less irritable.
  • Reduced depression.
  • Improved sense of smell.
  • Has a therapeutic effect on immune system.
  • Better bladder control.
  • Relieves menstrual cramps.
  • Helps people sleep better.
  • Improves digestion.
  • Healthier teeth.
  • Helps improve memory.
  • Produces chemicals in the brain to stimulate the growth of new dendrites.
  • Lowers the level of cortisol, a hormone that can trigger fatigue and cravings.
  • Lowers feelings of insecurity.
  • Increases level of commitment.
  • Less-frequent colds and flu.
  • It can help people achieve weight loss since about 200 calories are burned during 30 minutes of active sex.
  • Studies are also showing that it is a myth that abstinence can sharpen a person's competitive edge.

I will say again, I am no way against sex. I actually think I have a much higher sex drive then I should, but I, not because of religion, or what my family says, or whatever. I, just for me, am prepared to only engage in it with someone who I care about. Someone who will not disappear the next morning. But instead might bring me breakfast. And you know for sure he will be rewarded double. Some things have to be worth the effort. More effort = more reward.

“Women are like apples on trees, the best ones are on the top of the tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and don't want to get hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't so good but easy. So, the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top becuase they value quality.”


 Why have we lost faith in love? Why do we go searching for the lower, easier ways to achieve pleasure? Is love not worth the effort anymore? I didn't get the memo, really. Must have gotten lost. Everybody else seems to have got it. Men aren't even shy about asking for sex anymore. Damn, in Ukraine, you're likely to be asked for sex from complete strangers on the street from 1-10 times daily. Other cultures are a bit more discrete- they might buy you a drink first and tell you you're pretty. The worst kind are those who fake an effort, take you out, be nice to you, AND THEN drop the casual sex offer. When you say no, all of them disappear just the same, though. So it seems like its nearly impossible to tell the difference. Until you do. And when you do you'll know it. And you'll finally understand that it was worth it. And you may regret having given away so much of your love for free. So just think twice. And never loose hope. Love will find you, you just have to be ready to accept it into your life when it does.


Now, just for fun, here are some statistics:

Durex Survey (2003) Highlights:



  • People have sex an average of 127 times a year.
  • Only three quarters of those are happy with their sex lives.
  • Eastern Europeans (Hungarians, Bulgarians, and Russians) are the most sexually active (150).
  • 45% of those taking the survey reported having a one night stand.
  • Those in Thailand, China, and Vietnam were the most contented with their sex life.
  • Fins and Russians were the least happy. !!!
  • Americans were low on the frequency list in 2003 at 118 times per year.
  • The three countries with the lowest sexual frequency were Sweden (102), Maylasia (100), and Singapore (96).
  • 48% of women admitted to faking an orgasm.
  • Couples living together report having sex 146 times per year.
  • Married couples make love 98 times per year.
  • Singles are having sex the least at 49 times a year.
  • Four percent of the respondents to the survey claim to have sex daily.
  • 57% say they have sex at least once per week.



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    Forgive me?





    "Most of us can forgive and forget, we just don't want the other person to forget that we forgave." - Ivern Ball

    "The weak can never forgive, forgiveness it the attribute of the strong." - Gandhi


    The ability to forgive is one of those famously good attributes that all people believe they should have. It has been taught to us since we were children that it’s a good thing to do. But ultimately, why should we forgive? Or should we forgive at all? Are we ever obligated to forgive? What are the limits of forgiveness? Are some things simply unforgivable?
     Let's start simple: what is does it mean 'to forgive'? 
    ·   to grant pardon for an offense
    ·   to cancel an indebtedness or liability
    Ultimately, forgiveness is simply letting go of the past and moving on. Whether it is a selfish act (forgiving just to make yourself feel better), for the sake of the relationship (out of love, or out of helplessness), or for the sake of the person, forgiveness is absolute. Letting go of the past, with no strings attached.
    In the purest sense of the term, forgiveness is also an act of non-reciprocity. That means you forgive people out of the kindness of your heart, not expecting anything in return.
    But how realistic are those ideas nowadays? 
    In the official system of laws there is no forgiveness: a person does something wrong, they are punished. End of story. Anything different is an exception to the rule. And usually, it is either illegal, or debatable. 
    But what about in our everyday lives? In relationships? In the family? People make mistakes all the time, and sometimes those mistakes are serious, but they are forgiven. But the same rule works: forgiveness is an exception. Theoretically offenses must be punished, always.
    In everyday lives there is the idea of "Forgive and Forget", and there is an endless debate going on about whether it is right to do both, one, or none. Men say that women forgive, but never forget. Which means they forgive mistakes, but if the opportune moment arises, they bring it up and use it. And men complain that that is not fair. But is it really?
    We are taught to learn from our mistakes, but if we forgive and forget, what will stop the offenders from repeating the offense? What will protect us? Where is the line between being generous and forgiving, to simply being easy to manipulate and used? If we forgive too much, people stop being afraid to make mistakes. If there is no punishment, then what makes a something bad different from something good? Unless we count moral values, then practically nothing. Punishment is vital. It makes the system work. 
    If we forgive too much, we have the risk of making people too tempted to do whatever they want, without any fear. So is forgiveness worth the risk? What makes it worth it, love? Fear?
    Women seem more prone to forgiveness. For the same offense, women will forgive much easier than men. Mostly I think they will do this for the sake of the relationship. It seems like women are much more afraid to mistakes and ruin the relationship, maybe because they are afraid of being left alone. Not exactly sure why, maybe they are subconsciously aware of the fact that there are less men than women in the world? Or they are just so happy once they find a man that is good enough, and just want to hang on to him, no matter what? But men seem like they can let go easier, and not regret it in the long run. That's one thing I envy them for. 
    But in some cases I think people are too forgiving. I think, because of fear or helplessness, or because they want to do the 'right thing', people forgive things they really shouldn't. For example, violence of any kind, cheating, or similar domestic ''crimes'' should not be forgiven. Because they are not about the situation in which they were committed, they are either relationship or psychological issues, which cannot be resolved easily and will almost always be repeated. Out of love, maybe, they may be forgiven once, but if any such offense is repeated, then it is unforgivable. No exceptions. Follow the rule.
    People, of course, must strive to be kind and generous, but ultimately, we are not angels, and we are not God.
    Actually, about God: the idea that can be seen in most religions is that God is all merciful. He loves His children, and we must repent our sins, ask for forgiveness, and our sins will be forgiven. In Christianity this is called absolution; and traditionally it has even been practiced to give out “absolution certificates”, which were supposed to guarantee forgiveness. I will refrain from commenting on the oddness of this, but I will point out one thing: if God is all merciful, then why is there the whole idea of heaven and hell? And the fear of committing sins? If we can all be forgiven out of pure love, then what’s stopping us? Do now, apologize later, no?
    I believe that people cannot, and should not be all-forgiving. We must protect ourselves and get out of harmful situations while we can. We deserve happiness, and we must not let the ideas of how we ‘should’ act to be considered ‘good’ people get in the way. After all, we are only human. We make mistakes. But we should be smart enough to tell the difference between when it is the right thing to do, and when it is not. And not be afraid to act on our decision.
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