"I got to thinking about relationships. 

There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, 

those that are old and familiar, 

those that bring up lots of questions, 

those that bring you somewhere unexpected, 

those that bring you far from where you started, 

and those that bring you back. 

But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship 

of all is the one you have with yourself. 

And if you can find someone to love the you you love, 

*blows dust off*
Sorry everyone, I've been a bit preoccupied. But suddenly I remembered that I have a full, sophisticated life and I'm returning to it. So, let's ponder and ask rhetorical questions.


Why do you think that we strive to connect our selves intimately with another human being? Naturally it makes no sense, since its limiting reproduction. Spiritually and romantically we have the whole ''one soul fell from heaven and broke into two'' soul mate theory. Economically, yeah,it is cheaper to share resources, split rent and everything. Cynically and practically its just convenient to have someone around for mutual benefits. But really. When it get's down to it, what drives us to couple up?

Except for certain types of birds, I do believe that we are the only living things on Earth that strive to have monogamous relationships. [Sorry that I constantly compare people to animals, but we did evolve from nature so we have to have retained certain similarities, or instincts or something.]


There is a rather fabulous quote from the movie "Shall we dance?'' that proposes a pretty good theory on our subject:

  So it has been my personal theory that a heart can only take so much heartbreak and pain, and after a certain time it just seems like there is no point in trying anymore. And then you turn to other things: your friends, hobbies, career, alcohol, crazy parties, randomly hooking up, whatever rocks your boat. 

When this happened to me for the first time I was pretty young and naive i guess. I fell pretty hard, and when everything crashed and burned I locked my heart and lost the key somewhere in a dark corner of my soul. And I forgot all about it. My heart was still beating, but it wasn't alive anymore. And for the longest time I was okay with that. 

And then something magical happened. I met someone. I realized that I still had a heart. And that I was still able to feel. This shocked me more than you can imagine.  And for some time I resided on cloud nine, bought lingerie, daydreamed through classes, etc etc..

I wish I could now say it all ended all pink and fuzzy and sweet, but it didn't. It ended very badly. Like, hysterically crying, 'i don't want to eat anymore' kind of badly.

And I tried to go back, but this time it wasn't as easy. It took time. Months. Until finally I felt like I could breathe again. But what I didn't know at the time is that I couldn't close my heart all the way again. The pain caused little tears in my heart, tiny little openings. They made me vulnerable. Fragile. "Handle with care" and all that.


And the worst thing is that I didn't mind it I think. Subconsciously maybe. I think no matter how depressed you get, how sick and tired of everything, somewhere in the attic of your mind there is a little black box that contains a tiny little spec of hope. A hope that since you felt, you will feel again. And it will be perfect. But I think after each disaster that spec gets a tiny little bit smaller.


How much wear-and-tear can a heart really handle?
Logically it is much more beneficial for us not to give in. At least not at first. Not to let every little opportunity get us excited enough to go up into the attic and open that secret box. Maybe a certain amount of pessimism is vital at the beginning, in case everything suddenly flushes down the toilet. In case it turns out not to be worth it after all.


But how can you tell the difference? How do you really know? Or do you ever really ''know'' at all? Everybody lies. Everybody acts. Everybody wants to get what they want. And its not always what you want also, either. 


But since one of the themes of this blog is there is no right moments, then the logical question then, wtf do you do, right? There's not going to be a flashing neon light that says "this is RIGHT, Go for it".  So, what do we do? 
The only thing we can:

    We trust our hearts. 
And sometimes we risk their safety. And then accept whatever consequences follow.
Sucks I know, but what is life without a little risk, right?
Yes, sometimes it hurts so much that it feels like someone reached through your throat to your heart, ripped it out, then chewed it and spit it back out while you were watching. ((sorry for the very violent metaphor)). 
But think about it, if it worked out right at the beginning, life would be incredibly boring, So maybe the whole search, pain, disappointment thing actually has a point? Without suffering we wouldn't know happiness, just like they cannot be light without shadows. And maybe the whole search makes us actually more ready and willing to appreciate it when it does work out. We humans have the strangest tendency of thought: we seem suspicious of things that are too good, too easy, free, etc. 
Maybe we're just use to the fact that to get something good you have to work for it, aka suffer for it. Deserve it.
Which kind of makes sense. What would be the whole point of living your life if everything came easy? No rules, no limitations, no pain. We would come to earth just to drink and party. No development or thought. No point. 

So I do hate to admit it, but I suppose pain is a necessary part of life.

But also just as necessary is its counterpart, that secret little box in the attic, that actually is the thing that keeps us going. That little spec of hope, that flame that fiercely fights to keeps burning no matter how many times we shower it with tears.
The hope that someday we will find someone to complete us in ways we never knew possible. Someone to come home to after a hard day, who can just envelop you in a warm, loving embrace and tell you:

You are perfect,
Just because you are here,
Because you exist.
And
You are safe
Just because I am here,
Because I exist.

“When you're young, life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”-Sex and the city

   It stopped being fun once we got a reality check. Everybody gets them in different ways, through a broken heart, loss of loved one, natural disaster, parents divorce, etc etc.. Or maybe it wasn't even a dramatic event, maybe it was something little, so little you can't even remember. But everybody has a breaking point, in which the world suddenly goes from pink and fluffy to full color, contrast, saturation and all that. And I don't know how about you, but it scared the hell out of me.
  Life suddenly went from passive and lovely, so complicated and uncertain. There were so many options. So many roads. So many detours. So many choices. So many potential mistakes. So much fear.
   And suddenly I was given the controls. But I had no idea how to drive. I had to suddenly ''know'' and ''plan''. I was overwhelmed. I closed up. I climbed into my little bubble, into the backseat, and let the flow carry me along. I was afraid.
But what is there to fear, really?
Fear of making mistakes.
Fear of regretting.
Fear of failure.
Fear.

   But what are mistakes anyway? And who has the right to judge?
Why do you think that YOU have the right to decide what was a mistake and what wasn't? How do you know? You don't ever, ever see the Bigger Picture. You can only guess, regret, worry, yada yada. But what for? Yes, you may think of what could-a, should-a, would-a happened, but in the end its simply a waste of time.

  We make decisions. Every minute of every day. We decide the course of our lives. Whether or not you believe in destiny, I think everybody will agree that a person has a certain power over their lives.
I'm writing this post. I could be doing a thousand different things right now, but this was my decision. Because I have something to say, and for some reason I decided to say it. And I never know the consequences.
Maybe one sentence, one word of this post will trigger a thought in someones mind, which will help them in some situation in life. They may not even realize it, I may never find out about it.
Or it may not happen. Maybe this is just a blog, just a way for me to vent, and it may not change or influence anything. But so what? Should I sit here and think, hmm, maybe if I hadn't written this post I would have gone out and found the love of my life, yada, yada. Anything is possible. But do I regret it? No.

Long ago I've decided to try to give up on regret. There is no point.
We make decisions. We shape our lives. We do the best we can, strive to be the best we can be. No point in categorizing things in the past as good or bad. Everything is just an experience. Learn from it and move on. If you were true to your heart then there is no reason to regret anything you ever did. And nothing is a mistake. What happened, happened. Take a deep breath and let it go.

Get out of the backseat of your car.
The past is behind you,
Your future is ahead.
Fear is simply an illusion.
It's in your mind.
You have the controls in your hands.
So...
Where do YOU want to go...?

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” -Margaret Mead

 
Despite the contradiction, there is an undeniable truth in the sentence above. There are billions of people in the world, and every single one is an exceptional, irreplaceable individual. But look around you and you might be surprised. Everyone is wearing the similar shoes, clothing, hair styles, listening to the same music… Do you suppose that everyone is really thinking for themselves and this is a just a coincidence? Or, did we allow certain stereotypes of “normality”, “coolness”, “beauty” or “perfection” to take over our lives, influence the way we think and perceive the world?
 
I think the theory that our preferences and tastes are something we our born with is not entirely true. When we were children we were not aware of the fact that our eyelashes have to be longer, our waists smaller, our teeth whiter, etc. We did not know that wearing different brands, styles or even colors of clothing sometimes affects the way people perceive you.

When we were little, we were accepted and loved just because we existed. We were simply ourselves and it was enough. So at what point in our lives did it stop being enough? And, more importantly, why? Why is it that most of us feel forced to conform to the stereotype of how we ‘should’ act and look like? The general answer to this is fear. We are afraid to be different, because we dread not being loved or accepted. We care about what people think of us. Every single move we make, either consciously or not, we evaluate how people will react. We’re afraid of being laughed at, rejected or scorned, because we need other people in order to feel complete.

Now, I’m not saying that self-improvement is a bad thing, it’s a vital part of life. But once we start to change ourselves only in order to “fit in”, we are not only lying to everyone around us through a type of false advertising, but we are also lying to ourselves, which is much worse. And we are also purging society of uniqueness and variety. 

So is it worth it?

Our differences are the thing that what make us unique and interesting. It’s what makes our lives fun and colorful. So, why not dare to be different? Dare to be yourself and don’t care what others think of it. I am convinced that if you stay true to your heart, you will find people that will love you for who you are, and not who you are trying to be. Dare to be imperfect, natural, think for yourself. And, of course, be open about other people’s individuality. And I think the world will be a much better place.

(PUBLISHED: BILNEWS, FEBRUARY 16TH, 2010, PAGE 2)